So, Matt and I are talking the other evening and it occurs to us that, hey, there has been a distinct lack of college basketball games on television recently. More than recently, actually. This phenomenon has been going on for several months. Combined with temperatures in the 130s here in Our Nation’s Capital must mean only one thing … it’s the offseason! And that means yet another thing … we’re due for some Dumb Media on this webpage! Of which we’ve got o’plenty, right here after the jump (and don’t skip the bonus challenge at the end of the material) …

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I don't normally say this, but Sweet Jesus. Are we sure? Are Cahill and Eades still reviewing the tape of the last-second shot and thinking about a goaltending call?

Duke just won its fourth national championship over a frankly amazing Butler team. Scientists will debate the wisdom of Zoubek's deliberate miss at the end (this Duke fan - - in favor) for eons, but in the world of college basketball, Duke returns to the top of the pile with its fourth national title, and Mike Krzyzewski moves into the pantheon of true legends.

Congratulations and thank you, Duke, from this rather "into it" sort of fan.

Please discuss. I still can't believe it. Wow. Just wow.

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Looks like this is it, folks. And yes, the wording you see up there is consistent with our wildly fun title theme. More pertinently, the Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball team closes the book on an absolutely stellar season with a repeat performance on the raised court in Indianapolis against the homestanding Butler Bulldogs. Even most rabid Duke haters have run out of reasons to keep picking against the Blue Devils, but Butler, of course, didn’t get here by accident, and . . . well, I’m just glad I didn’t see a “Butler not intimidated by Duke” headline over the past 36 hours. We assumed. However, leave us not pretend that Duke doesn’t have several key advantages in this matchup, and will - - how you say - - seek to exploit them? Yeeeeeeees.

So get your, uh, tray table into an upright and locked position, rest in the knowledge that crack operatives are charged with your transportation security, make sure that low-skill-set criminals get the shaft and . . . read on:

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Duke is the last ACC team standing, which is just the way the Two Dukies like it, and like a stopped clock that’s right twice a day, here they are again as we prepare for the Final Four in - - Indianapolis. Oooooh, I like the sound of that! Yes, the site of Duke’s first national championship will see the Blue Devils trying to keep the good times rolling, as the Mountaineers of West Virginia University and their now-so-calm-he’s morose, but-formerly-almost-rabid coach, Bob Thuggins, prepare to follow up on their (welcome) destruction of that sad attempt at a Neeba team mounted by that criminal in Lexington. Once again, it’s two defensive-minded teams, two gritty squads, and two doofuses who write in colored ink. Sounds like a power-packed edition, and we’d better waste no further time in getting to it. If you follow me. Right? I mean, this paragraph has pretty much kicked the proverbial can of usefulness, hasn’t it? See, I think - - oh. Sorry.

So sigh in empathy at the trials, tribulations, and attempted legal maneuvering of those who oversee the men’s basketball program at the Georgia Institute of Technology, think about a fast-responding Toyota instead for your next appointment, bring a whole new meaning to the concepts of “speedy trial” and “cutting out the middleman” in the criminal justice system and . . . read on:

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Ahhhhh, it’s the end of the line for the 2009-2010 North Carolina-Chapel Hill Tools. Will they redeem their season? No, you say, no matter what happens? Tough crowd. Anyway, glad they could win four games against blatantly awful competition (NCAA expansion say WHAT?), with (how you say) substantial referee assistance in the fourth, no less. Well. Duke gets all the calls.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back to this RNC-funded lesbian bondage party, so check out the state of affairs, or the affairs of state, or whatever the heck is after the jump:

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The Tools insist on continuing their season tonight in Madison Square Cameron against the Rams of Rhode Island, setting up a battle of the mascots, real and uh, surrogate? You know, since UNC-CH switched to Carmichael (due to - - winkety winkety - - “renovations” to the Dump Dome, presumably to make it more lively somehow) for its first-round home game against a pair of British royals, they’ve shown some significant flexibility. So starting today, how about switching to their backup mascot to avoid confusion? Yes, say hello to Tarheelio! Anyway, we certainly hope he’ll give the Dirty Footmen the boost they need. Larry Drew can’t be happy that his UCLA career is being delayed like this.

And oh yes, we’ll have reports on Duke starting today and on pretty much a daily basis going forward, we will comment on how Kyrie Irving looks in the McDonald’s Game (which is pretty exciting), wonder why anyone in the universe would hire Steve Lavin, and we will even throw in a sad ode to the departed Nutcracker, but first this word from your local Tools, after the jump:

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Well.

Wow.

Duke returns to the Final Four with a decisive, convincing win over Baylor in the South Regional Final, 78-71. Nolan Smith decided this was an apt time to break out the Bootsy against the Bears, who showed no ability to guard him in any manner whatsoever, as he scored 29 points on 17 shots.

Nolan and Jon Scheyer hit absolute dagger threes - - the first, by Nolan, off a tremendous seized carom by Lance Thomas - - to take the lead for good, and then it was a free throw party. Scheyer chipped in twenty, Lance had eight offensive boards, Zoubek and the Plumlees played well, at least in the second half as far as Zoubek, and Andre Dawkins hit two enormous three-pointers to keep Duke alive in a tightly contested first half. Search parties are still looking for Kyle Singler, but he's expected to be located in time for . . . DUKE'S TRIP TO INDIANAPOLIS!!!!!

Duke plays West Virginia at 8:47 P.M. Eastern time in Saturday's second final, in a revenge game for Duke's exit at the 'Neers hands two years ago. Joe Mazzulla, look out!

This is an absolutely amazing achievement. I did not think, at the beginning of the season, that Duke had enough to reach the Final Four, but the Blue Devils did so behind outstanding defense and rebounding, added to the amazing scoring from the Three Esses. Mike Krzyzewski, who did a little bit of a coaching job this season, is now 11-1 in regional finals and, if you're scoring at home, that would make this his 11th Final Four.

More to come.

Congratulations to Duke and every member of the team and staff. And from this Duke fan, heartfelt thanks for this accomplishment.

Go Blue Devils!!!!!

Please add any comments, after the jump. YAY!!!!!

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Shake it! Tell me I’m the only one . . . well, that’s what we’re here to discuss, anyway. The Two Dukies’ favorite team returns to the Houston hardwood Sunday afternoon to face the second set of Bears in as many Sundays, with hopefully the same decisive, albeit humane, result. And indeed, Duke’s three-headed cast of “S-sters,” with a little help from Z-man, LT, mayyyybe a little shooting au-dessus de la zone from Andre Dawkins, and assistance from a pair of brothers (no, the guys with the same parents), look to shut down various fabrics and cartoon characters today to advance to - - well, let’s go one step at a time here. No, don’t go for that cotton candy, Potentially Obscure Lyrics Guy; perhaps a touch of basketball analysis instead. Now, we did say just a touch; we’re not about the overreaching here. And now, how about a little zone-busting, Duke? Heh heh heh heh heh??? Sounds like a solid plan.

So enjoy this sincerely wonderful and mysterious story, assume that this really cute little Domesticat was reacting to the welcome cleansing of his less-than-welcome, trowel-equipped wild cousins from a sporting event near you, make superb use of that Acme Small Unit Tactics & Urban Evasion Equipment Kit and . . . read on:

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Anyway, Purdue with half a heart will tell you, my friend . . . but , wait a second, Didn’t Spend Enough Time On Those Lyrics Guy - - just what will the Boilermakers tell us tonight? That they’re effectively the same team that Duke blew out of their own building about 15 months ago - - only now lacking their most important player? That they can take their own 61.0 opposition ppg and - - best Duke’s identical number? I don’t know. This looks like a good matchup for Duke, but obviously, with careers on the line and significant emotion in play, strange things can happen, and as the Two Dukies discuss within (hey, is this a Duke-only edition?), well, never mind what they discuss within, but it’s clear that Purdue is extremely well-coached and well-prepared, and has significant offensive and defensive weapons in its arsenal. Should be a good one, and we hope you will enjoy. Really enjoy.

So note the sudden, mystifying importance of human rights to this barely laugh-worthy, unintriguing individual, call ahead to deplore the apparent lack of institutional intelligence in the Nutmeg State, don’t talk quite so nasty during your next call to tech support and . . . read on:

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Wait, who left the lights on? Awwwwww, we thought we had off until Thursday [stamps foot]. Oh, well. Chapel Hill and VPI have srsly important business to attend to, like trying to set up a rubber match in the Garden next week for all the marbles, or at least one NIT championship berth. No, sadly, they can’t both play for the title. Matt and duhomme haven’t really been up to much lately, as you know, so let’s treat this like a micro, which has basically come to mean that no one (usually TRT) has gone hunting for news links. Meanwhile, let’s shift focus for just a second off of that team that (awesomely) dismantled high-powered Berkeley late Sunday and find out what’s in store for the ACC’s other continuing combatants as we begin the week. Oh, come on, it (probably) won’t hurt . . . after the jump.

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I know, I know . . . we’re a little rushed, so if you’ll just step on board . . . hey, isn’t it amazing that Lucas could write such deathless dialogue for Han Solo, but sort of fell down in that department in the prequels (which I loved anyway, and the Jedi did sound right at least). Ahem. We digress. For the first time since the second round of the 1993 NCAA Tournament, Duke and Berkeley meet on the hardwood, as seventh-grade math teacher Mike Montgomery, continuing his tour of every available head coaching position in the San Francisco Bay Area, tries to continue his team’s run after depantsing Pimpino and fighting off a really low-candlepower Louisville effort in the first round.

Meanwhile, Duke seeks to build on its defensive dominance of UAPB, which for this site’s money (assuming facts . . . not in evidence, judge) was probably the most impressive of the 16 seeds. The incontinence-inducing Cardinals are gone, right, and Duke got an “easy draw,” as jackwads with names like Eamoni and Boman or something told us this past week, so how about a big performance here against a possibly overachieving Pacific-10 heh heh heh heh heh? There could be a few other Galactic Coast schools in the mix as well, plus a bonus visit from Uncle Fester and his hired goons - - plus, gee whiz, MORE hired goons. And is that Guest Dukie Al White making his first appearance of the young season? Ain’t no thang! We’d better check all this out.

So note that even sadly endangered species are sending a message that they don’t really want to be Tool fans (so stop abusing them, certain people), friend me, dude, while I tweet about my crimes-in-progress, comport yourself with all the decorum and grace of the Old World and . . . read on:

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The top-hatted Demon Deacons of Wake Forest are the only team within this website’s ambit in action today, unless they were covered yesterday. So, do you want Wake out? Or would you rather prefer to see the Crazed Churchmen blast good Coach Cal into the primordial ooze from whence he emerged, trailing vacated honors behind? Yeah, not an easy call, but at least you can bet that the Two Dukies are all over it.

PATRICK: CHECK IT! They’re NOT all over it, Len! Two Wildkittens Sexily Pick the SEC with the sound prediction!

ELMORE: Well, Mike, you see the official there, he kind of says, hey, if the Dukies can get away with song parodies and guest haikus instead of basketball analysis, I’m gonna kind of swallow that whistle and let them play.

PATRICK: [chuckles] Hol-y COW! Hey Len, let’s check out the Elmore Index!

[illiteracy-speckled graphic displays]

TWO WILDKITTENS SEXULY PICK THE SEC 57.8
TWO DEACONS PREACH THE ACC 54.2
TWO RANDOM DOODS WHO SOMEHOW PICK EVERY GAME 52.1
TWO CONVICTS PICK THE CONNVICTS 51.1
TWO DUKIES KICK THE ACC 51.0

ELMORE: Well Mike, what you see here is that while the Two Dukies have a lot of output per se, more is not necessarily less, and less is not necessarily more. The main factor here was the 10-point penalty for having a “D” and a “K” within three letters overall, because Mike, you can’t be a big-time college basketball analyst and have those kinds of issues with your [thinks] nomenclature.

PATRICK: [snorts] Boy, you said a MOUTHFUL there, pardner. And it couldn’t have been easy with THAT SET OF choppers ALREADY IN THERE! Now, let’s go to Lowell Galindo for an UPDATE on toddler tiddlywinks. Lowell?

And let’s leave it right there, folks. Enjoy your Saturday, but of course, do so carefully, courteously, and safely, and most of all, after the jump:

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Hey, for a minute there we thought that only the conference’s stupidest team was in the NCAAs, but Dino “Après Moi, Le Déluge” Goonio set us straight on that, and heeeeeeeeere comes the rest of the league, with no fewer than five Swoffoman Empire clubs litigating in Milwaukee, Buffalo, Spokane (hey, is Sweaty going to cry about having to go out there, like he did when he had to go to Boise in 2001?) and, most pertinently, Jacksonville. Now, in the middle of all of that, you wouldn’t have UNC-CH and NCSU insisting on continuing their seasons in a different set of venues, would you? Couldn’t happen.

The Two Dukies cope with this ridiculous situation as best they can, calling in the heavy Canadian artillery (yeah?) once again, as Guest Dukie CDG joins the prognosticating goofballs, waxing poetic. Seriously, see if you don’t think her hilarious material doesn’t sound exactly like Nostradamus quatrains. Matt blathers on unimpeded, and duhomme draws the line at all this NIT noise, for which forebearance we must hold him in sneaking admiration. There might even be an ode to the rapidly disappearing Big East in there somewhere, but we’re not sure if we understood some of those Thursday results correctly. Seems like a good time to get this road on the show, so hit the highway - - and someone else’s nads - - with Herb Pope, laud a certain ACC coach for his commendable commitment to academics, call down to the front desk to ask for a "late" checkout time and . . . read on:

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If this is NIT Tuesday, it must be time for UNC-CH to lace ‘em up, right? Sure enough - - you can set your watch by it, despite how hard Rrhoid tried in the wee hours of Sunday morning to “spring forward” all the way to next season. Soothing thoughts, Tool Nation . . . Hairy Barnes will make it all better . . . keep Skypeing . . . yeah, that’s not doing it either. Well, at least North Carolina State and Perpetual NCAA Fail VPI aren’t around to clutter things up, right? As a bonus, we throw in a little NCAA Tournament action, as Texas-Austin plays the winner of the play-in game between the guy who was fired from West Point and the guy who was fired from Loyola Maryland.

I was going to call this a micro, but with Tools swelling with pride at their impending dribble drive to the hole from that four seed (cackles with glee), that seems inappropriate. So flush Todd Lickliter’s career down the commode, debate the merits of a health care plan as part of a strong benefits package, plan a romantic caper with a slam-bang ending and . . . read on:

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It wasn't pretty, it wasn't easy on the nerves, but the Duke Blue Devils won their ninth ACC Tournament championship in the last twelve iterations of the event.

Nolan Smith, then Andre Dawkins - - did you know he could do that? I'm still speechless - - then Kyle Singler, then Jon Scheyer stepped up at alternate times for the Blue Devils, with Scheyer nailing a game-icing three-pointer with 18 seconds remaining, after he had struggled all game with his shot. Meanwhile, Brian Zoubek played intelligent defense and boarded extremely well throughout, and Lance Thomas utterly excused Lawal from the game, forcing Spewitt to yank him for long stretches (he played only 22 minutes, and since he didn't commit a personal, his prolonged absence wasn't because of foul trouble) while Duke forced the perimeter mismatches and dictated the tempo and defensive look that GIT was forced to mount.

Tech committed 11 unforced boners, together with six for which Duke was credited with a steal, and true to their status as a thug team, sent Duke marching to the line 28 times, for an awesome - - simply awesome - - conversion rate of 24-28. Hewitt did look classy in the postgame shake with K, though. By the way, Georgia Tech is an NCAA Tournament-worthy team. Wake Forest is not. And VPI isn't even close.

The box score is here, although this is one of those games that you really had to watch to figure out - - looking at the stats doesn't come close to telling the whole story.

Fantastic win over a team that, with the late-season emergence of Favors, was probably the most talented, along with Duke, in the ACC this season.

CONGRATULATIONS BLUE DEVILS!!!!!!!!!!!! This fan certainly enjoyed it - - Scheyer's three brought me to my knees.

BTW, props to the Plumlees, who were very solid in their time on the court. Mason showed just how scary he can be in the future. Or, heck, how about now?

Now we finally dispense with the bracketologoids of the world and get . . . the real bracket. I would be very, very surprised if Duke does not earn a #1 seed, and in fact, with all due apologies to Official Syracuse Guy, whose team I really love this season (hell, he's made me a bona fide fan of the Syracuse program), I'm not sure that Duke isn't headed for the Carrier Dome. But listen, WVU, as much as I hate Thuggins, has a case for the last #1 seed too, and Syracuse's amazing performance over the course of the season certainly earned them the Selectostiffs' respect. So anything can happen.

Please use this thread to comment about the game, or Duke's bracket, or anything you want. You can view comments - - and please, please, leave your own - - after the jump.

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting today and all season long.

Thanks, Duke. Congratulations!!!!!!!!

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Viewer discretion is advised. Yes, graphic violence warning! Duke faces off against the BugThugs of the Georgia Institute of Technology, armed with their usual assortment of pepper spray, short swords, small arms, and felonies. Don’t look now, but this might be the third time we’ve played these guys. Fun! Of course, it’s the fourth game in four days for the Buzzards, so maybe they’re just a lil’ fatigued - - even if their first game came against the basketball equivalent of a romantic night out at Waffle House. Meanwhile, Jon Scheyer tries to adjust to that shooting background in Greensboro, Kyle Singler continues to dominate, and Nolan Smith gets ready for Spewitt’s rotation of goofily-named guards. Oh, and don’t let this get around, but Lance and the Forest Rangers might have to do some guarding of Party Favors and Lawal. Sounds like a tough assignment for both teams.

You have to love how Saint Paul snoozes his way through the ACC regular season, accepting wins only at home and against Div II squads, and then suddenly puts together three wins in the ACC-T. We’re comforted by the fact that GIT barely overcame a less than stellar effort from NCSU, while Duke fought off the most ridiculous overperformance in the history of basketball in the State of Florida to reach the title game.

So work on a way to pin this one on Calipari, rest in peace at your local impound lot, bring in some serious toughness to deal with Spewitt’s goons and . . . read on:

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Yeah, we’re sticking with the green metaphor again today - - it’s all about the relationships, and all about the environment. And it’s also all about Duke putting an end to Miami (Florida)’s impressive Cindy run in Greensboro and cementing a spot in the Sunday final. Believe it or not, we’re back - - sorry - - and we have a few comments, so relieve this incredibly offensive imbecile of his duties immediately so he can find work better suited to his talents, get in hot water over getting in hot water, wonder what potential new Mississippi mascot Admiral Ackbar would think of this latest example of certain people just generally being bigoted cretins even if he’d probably just advise that it sure does have the whiff of a lure-like subterfuge and . . . read on:

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I missed the most obvious chance ever to use the title of this edition back on the day after Thanksgiving, so here it is now. Please understand that, in using this title, I am eschewing the same idiotic tactic that justifies the use of the noirocentric version of this term - - which has (can you believe it??) historically negative connotations - - to refer to a supposedly great day for the retail industry and the American economy as a whole. Not so smart, and so we will use Green Friday here instead, as the REAL contenders in the ACC, having rid the field of the should-be-fired Goonio, the preposterous Nutcracker, and sad-sack walking self-styled natural disaster Rrhoid, lace them up in four games throughout the day.

duhomme is on hand as always with some terrific material, we have bonus SEC coverage coming your way in grateful thanks to a prolific, high-level commenter, and TRT has thankfully supplied me with plenty of news links, so make an ironic non-misuse of the English language, see if you can experience a close shave while driving like a Brazilian with your ex-husband not exactly at the wheel, turn to a trusted source on things “olic” to find out what a milkaholic might be and . . . read on:

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Yeah, him, and Goonio, and . . . Rrhoid! Wait, what is HE doing here? I thought he hated this event - - it must really be lousy that he’s been forced to show up a day early. May his exit be swift, although, as noted within, we wouldn’t mind if his little squad took down the Yellow Jackets on their way out.

Duke, Maryland, College Park, Florida State, and VPI enjoy byes on this ACC Tournament Thursday, but we don’t, so recruit this genuine hero for your squad - - any squad, anywhere, anytime (and we assume he was okay), don’t wonder too hard why idiot former Kentucky head football coach Guy Morriss is getting his mail and building the character of his current team in the gridiron hotbed of Commerce, Texas, seal up at least one entry in the year’s stupidest criminals competition and . . . read on:

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Want more of that absolute destruction of UNC-CH by Duke on Saturday night? Well, we hope so, because “more” is a word that might come to mind when you see this, as in, it’s sort of lengthy. But wins like that don’t come around every day. I went with stream of consciousness and chronology on this recap; we hope you enjoy it, after the jump.

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This should be nice, to write a free-form article without a format for a small change . . . anyway, we have some things going on behind the scenes, as I prepare to post what will hopefully be a fun-to-read and very detailed recap of that hilarious destruction on Saturday night, and duhomme and I prepare for the usual 11 games in four days onslaught (which is really only a big deal on Thursday night) of the ACC Tournament. Before we get to that, though, here are some other interesting news items, both ACC and not, after the jump.

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Checking the schedule, it appears that this is the end of the line, folks. For the regular season. Not that Swoffie makes it seem long or anything. I swear, dude owes us A DOUGHNUT!!!

We've been here all year, we'll be here for the ACC-T, and gee, might Duke get invited to the NCAAs? It could happen. Meanwhile, there's ooooooooone last piece of business to discuss, and it's all about a little team from down the road with one seriously weird crybaby at its head. They're here!! And let's send them home with a nice swift boot to the rear. Shall we?

NOW, while duhomme digs out from yet another snowstorm (kidding!), Matt prepares to enter the dreaded homecourt facility of the Nevada-Las Vegas Runnin' Rebels wearing his "Duke Hits the Jackpot, March 30, 1991" T-shirt ("well, Frank . . . he got in . . . [sunglasses on] . . . but he never got out"), and far more importantly than those sorts of who-cares antics, Guest Dukie CDG reprises her appearance for the BugThugs' early February visit to Cameron with another fresh offering of material. Guess her first go-round this season must have gone okay. Let's hope we can all say the same about current basketball events at this time Saturday night. Heh heh heh heh heh?

So get arrested for, uh, wait - - that wouldn't be the same behavior you just railed against, would it? Yep, it sure would, get ready for the Secretary of State going on some *seriously* covert ops, move that Take Your Daughter/Son to Work Day idea to a whoooooooole new level of altitude and . . . read on:

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