Checking the schedule, it appears that this is the end of the line, folks. For the regular season. Not that Swoffie makes it seem long or anything. I swear, dude owes us A DOUGHNUT!!!

We've been here all year, we'll be here for the ACC-T, and gee, might Duke get invited to the NCAAs? It could happen. Meanwhile, there's ooooooooone last piece of business to discuss, and it's all about a little team from down the road with one seriously weird crybaby at its head. They're here!! And let's send them home with a nice swift boot to the rear. Shall we?

NOW, while duhomme digs out from yet another snowstorm (kidding!), Matt prepares to enter the dreaded homecourt facility of the Nevada-Las Vegas Runnin' Rebels wearing his "Duke Hits the Jackpot, March 30, 1991" T-shirt ("well, Frank . . . he got in . . . [sunglasses on] . . . but he never got out"), and far more importantly than those sorts of who-cares antics, Guest Dukie CDG reprises her appearance for the BugThugs' early February visit to Cameron with another fresh offering of material. Guess her first go-round this season must have gone okay. Let's hope we can all say the same about current basketball events at this time Saturday night. Heh heh heh heh heh?

So get arrested for, uh, wait - - that wouldn't be the same behavior you just railed against, would it? Yep, it sure would, get ready for the Secretary of State going on some *seriously* covert ops, move that Take Your Daughter/Son to Work Day idea to a whoooooooole new level of altitude and . . . read on:

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Duke visits a well-known den of iniquity - - batteries included - - in a game for all the marbles, except, well, not really. As we explain within. Sadly, this is the last time that anyone will see Grievous Azzkiz ball in person at the Bombast Center - - although they'll naturally bring him back next season or the year after that (it won’t be any later) to retire his jersey during a game against the Blue Devils. Aw. This is it for Milbourne and The Ferret too, but no one cares.

Hey, give Sweaty props for making more out of this team than many thought possible, and for overachieving, which is something that a certain crybaby elsewhere in this dadgum conference knows nothing about. Give Sweaty further props for staying away from asinine off-court behavior and tasers to the junk this season - - now that can’t have been easy! And now, give Sweaty a finely-tuned home loss.

So get all crazy at Ole Miss when people propose the retirement of a slavery-era mascot, and suggest a trap-announcing Rebel Alliance flag officer instead, make whatever you will out of this frightening image, wonder when police relations expert Gary Miller left the Dodgers and was reassigned to ESPN Deutschland and . . . read on:

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Duke’s back on Sunday night once again, this time taking on the Trans-Atlantic Most Conference’s other group of Virginia residents, under the sturdy command of pop crooner Tony Bennett. The Yahoos have lost six straight, while the Blue Devils have been moving in the opposite direction, but this could be another game where the homestanding opposition introduces the kitchen sink and also happens not to miss. You may know the type. Let’s hope you don’t make its acquaintance again.

So take a tour of the Nile Delta with Pete Gillen, wow the other soccer moms at your child’s school with your rapier wit, lose sight of the forest for the armor and mechanized infantry and . . . read on:

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Or agree to participate in a five-game funfest of mostly boring ACC action as the league jockeys to put seven teams into the NCAAs. Seven teams - - really? Just because Joe Loonardi says so? Surely there must be some deserving small conference school out there that deserves a shot more.

Hey, here’s a cool thing. Every team in the conference has played thirteen league games!!! Before the Swoffordization of the league, there was virtually never a deviation in the number of league games played between teams at the close of any given midweek or weekend play period, but, yeah, that’s another thing that just had to go out the window so we could get VPI and Miami (FL) into the conference for football purposes. Oh, well! At least, with three games remaining, you can tell who’s trailing whom by how many games and such without the assistance of Deep Blue.

We’ve prattled on long enough, so be advised that we’ll be back later Saturday with a Duke-Virginia preview, and meanwhile, let’s see what’s cooking around the bloated league - - after the jump.

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Sorry - - not much time for any preamble today as Duke takes on Tulsa in an excellent intersectional game to which I am definitely looking forward.

So thanks for reading, root on the Blue Devils, check out what we think if you must and . . . read on:

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If only because the ACC’s premier member isn’t playing in conference this week, instead choosing to entertain the weather-inappropriate Tulsa Golden Hurricane in an intersectional on Thursday. And don’t get too excited - - this isn’t that preview. Nay, this is a summary of the remainder of the week’s Atlantic Coast Conference unranked member activity. We might even have a circuit split on the Clemson-UMCP game, easily the marquee matchup among these odorous contests. And now, if you’ll excuse me, 19 media outlets just called wanting to hire us away from the piles of cash that we pull down running this empire-like operation. Oh, just take our word for it, dadgum, or we won’t give a #%^& about you right now. P.S. - - now with bonus Matt Doherty coverage.

Let’s get to it all, after the jump:

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As with all of our editions in which Duke plays Virginia Tech, this one is dedicated to the memory of duhomme’s cousin, Reema Samaha, who lost her life on April 16, 2007, along with 31 other souls in a senseless day of terrible tragedy in Blacksburg, Virginia.

I won’t joke around here this time as I usually do. There are five ACC games on tap, including Virginia Tech’s visit to Cameron, this weekend, so please read duhomme’s remembrance of his cousin and our thoughts on the weekend’s action, accept our thanks for visiting our small piece of the Internet, and . . . read on:

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Well, it’s time for Duke to hit the road again, and although that hasn’t been as daunting a proposition of late, this is a long haul, and you don’t need a Rebel Alliance fleet commander to sense a trap amongst the stacks, Dewey Decimals, and study carrels of the Conversation Center. Do you? Really? Let’s just hope someone packs Jon Scheyer. And Nolan Smith. And whoever was wearing the Singler jersey against Georgia Tech. No, on the court.

In other news, Maryland continues to make up for snow and a myriad of other sins by grabbing a beer and some wings and dominating our discourse, this time against the ridiculous Wolfpack, and Len & the Semi-nulls visit Charlottesville, if this report is to be believed. We’d better get things started, Frank, so consider deploying this device next time Georgia Tech comes calling, add “you’re Kevin O’Neill” to this handy guide, get the deep dish on this epic battle between a bunch of cartoon characters and . . . read on:

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It's a snow makeup day here at Dukies.com/Two Dukies headquarters, as the intrepid prog-NO-sticators are forced into a special Monday Microedition by the Virginia-Scaryland snow makeup. But, unlike some, we won't be wetly whining about it. Besides, these three games are pretty interesting as a whole.

I wish - - and someone should really take down the date and time when I wish for more website travail - - that Micros had news links (but I'll manage anyway) so I could give a huge clap on the back to a certain Democrat-in-name-only, who took full advantage of Presidents' Day to slap back at the current president for not making him his VP selection. Awwww, poor baby; I hope he finds himself a nice, cushy lobbying job. Good riddance and Bayh-Bayh!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, after the jump.

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Wow - - that was quite a win in the Mausoleum on Wednesday night, and after a quick trip back to a campus with a real arena (where Andre Dawkins and Nolan Smith immediately headed to shoot baskets - - well, they were in the practice facility, but whatever - - it’s cool), Duke started preparing for the arrival of a perspiring blowhard and a South American mercenary who mouths off more than John Mayer. Hey, are these guys really 6-2? Yup, and while part of that is due to an easy conference sked, they have some cred. Sounds like a good matchup. Thank goodness we have Verne Lundquist and Clark Kellogg to explain it to us in what will be Mike Krzyzewski’s 1,000th game at Duke. J.J. Redick and Art Heyman will be on hand, and maybe we can retire Laettner’s jersey again or something for that much-needed halftime lift. Hey, it worked for - - oh, wait. Sorry. In other news, the Mime of Miami squares off with the Tiggers, Sid Low dopes out his best strategy for supplying Chapel Hill with two-thirds of its league wins, Wake reaches for the Raid, the Nutcracker reaches for his resume, and the Battle of the Commonwealth occurs - - again.

Look, let’s get this rolling already, so start a foreign language study group with the idiots at the Philadelphia airport, fire all phasers, Mr. Sulu, wonder how things are going for that solid citizen Jhon Clapiari and . . . read on:

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Well, it’s that time of year again - - that no man’s land between Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, and the birthdays of a bunch of guys who landed their mugs on U.S. currency. (Man, February has a lot going on, particularly considering its relative length!) Ohhhhhhhh yes, and this is uuuuuusually the time when Duke and UNC-CH lace ‘em up for the first time. The ACC office probably wanted to move this game to December or something, but that didn’t work out, and it’s an even-numbered year, so we get what we prefer - - the first game at Artificial Noise Arena, and the second at Cameron.

Some observers, who declined to appear on camera, advised us that they expect the Tools to play the game of their lives against the Blue Devils, but there’s some question as to how scary that actually is, even assuming that it turns out to be accurate. Let’s just hope Rhoy doesn’t cry - - he always gets us going with that. Is he really just a shadow of the man that we once knew? Dadgum! Things just can’t get any worse for that guy’s little finger.

In other news, Maryland is unsuccessful in having Sweaty melt the snow surrounding the Unnecessary Center with his body heat/chicken wing combo, and has to call the whole thing off, Stitt returns to try to get the Tiggers off of their customary post-January slide, GIT gets to Miami a little late for the big party, and VPI hoods its way into Raleigh for some reason. The Two Dukies run it all down for you, and duhomme cooks up something special for “Fringe” fans with some dead-on vocalization transcriptions. Where else do you get this kind of stuff on game day? Or is that a bad thing? Don’t answer that.

So keep tabs on what your friendly local “insurance executives” are up to, be glad that no such scamps got a hold of this guy’s portfolio, stand up for the rights of undesirables and unreliables everywhere and . . . read on:

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I mean, leave us for the dearly departed if you must, rather than force us to devote an entire edition - - okay, okay, it’s only a micro, and we prefer to remain alive, as it turns out - - to tonight’s game between the Nutcracker’s Dew Drop Fairies and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Boy, this game provides a lot of suspense, and has to be the most gripping matchup of the ACC’s midweek slate, right?

Umm, not so much, but if you’re a universalist or have some other serious issues, you’ll want to join us. It honestly won’t take long, and you can use the comments section to get amped about Duke visiting UNC-CH or other topics, after the jump.

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Duke, who seemingly just played a tough game (or what should have been a tough game, and was certainly a bruising, physical tilt) against a bunch of racketeers and hitmen, had to pack up immediately and get up to a village of Newton and Brookline, where a preposterously well-rested Nutcracker and the Sugar Plum Fairies await, armed no doubt with a fervent crowd that will be totally incongruent with the typical tumbleweeds blowing through Count Silvio Forum. If the Blue Devils can beat BeeCee and the meaty hand of Swofford in this one, we will be forcibly impressed, to say the least. Come on, guys.

In other action amidst a surprisingly robust ACC schedule, Weak and Virginia bring a host of contrasts into their matchup in Charlottesville, Clemson fights the elements just to get to VPI, NCSU continues its alleged return to respectability by preparing to go 2-7 in the league, the Battle for America’s Dong unfolds in front of almost no one in TeeHee, and pitiful, incompetent UNC-CH rolls limply into College Park for a pre-Super Bowl matchup that promises, whatever the result, to bring a smile to our faces. But we prefer the sweaty little whiner and his home team in this one over the tear-stained whiner and his low-skill visitors, if you don’t mind keeping that quiet.

So wonder why almost every single player and coach depicted on Yahoo’s men’s basketball front page has to be shown with his mouth gaping open - - Singler looks like the Incredible Hulk and Frank Martin is apparently practicing the expression he sports when somebody just accused him of serial recruiting violations - - holster that weapon before The Man shows up and tries to bust down your Legos appreciation ring, enthusiastically give out some attaboys for this extremely wise jurist and . . . read on:

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If there’s a line anywhere in John Swofford’s universe, he and his entourage of none-too-savvy schedule generators have just crossed it. One game Tuesday, one game Wednesday, and now . . . three on Thursday? Well, at least the top teams in the conference are playing - - whoops! UNC-CH is a tenured resident of the basement. Never mind.

Duke uses this odd Thursday night showcase to seek revenge against the Yellow Jackets of the Georgia Institute of Technology, whom Duke has already played this season, despite not yet having made visual contact with either of its permapartners in the faux round robin. Oh, let’s just count our blessings that we got a rematch. Let’s also count among said blessings the fact that Duke will not be dealing with foam pillows, room service, boarding passes, bricked shots, unimaginably tone-deaf gameplanning, and other sure signs that the team is on the road. Hey, how are recent Duke-crushers North Carolina State and Georgetown doing lately, anyway? Neither one of them called off its season or anything, right? Can’t be.

In other news, Sweaty rides the wave of perspiration right into the Don Tucker TLCCCCCCCCCC Center Coliseum Collective, while Surly Seth attempts to avoid requisitioning 66.7% of North Carolina-Chapel Hill’s prospective conference win total. Yeah. Let’s avoid that. Speaking of things that we *don’t* want to avoid, Guest Dukie CDG joins us as our first visitor of the season, to show us a thing or two about how these selections are supposed to work. As in, when you get them right every once in a full blue moon.

So wonder how an esteemed publication could miss a Wile E. Coyote reference and neglect to investigate the role of Acme Backpack Jets in this fiasco, break out a full string orchestra to play a doleful dirge for this poor benighted soul, go where writers steal and men plunder and . . . read on:

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To deserve this, that is. And if you’re asking what you did, like some petulant toddler caught with his/her (there is no age floor for political correctness) hand in the cookie jar of yore, fear not. Because we don’t know what we did either, as Swofford and his maniacal, drooling schedule-makers continue to foist off the most ridiculous slating we’ve ever seen in this conference, even in his bloated and blighted era. One game on Tuesday, one on Wednesday, and three on Thursday. What?? Honestly, is there some big television event on Wednesday that we’re not thinking of? Is President Obama going to have an embarrassing (for them) chat with Republicans in the Senate this time around? Or maybe Democrats in the Senate? Well, in any case, let’s filibuster our way into some analysis that really deserves a motion to cut off debate. And why stop there?

The Hurryclowns breeze with a lazy sigh into Winston-Salem to take on Weak Florist, whose players are limply getting geared up for Valentine’s Day, while North Carolina State prepares, we assume, to get its anatomy handed to it by the suddenly deadly serious Cavaliers of the University of Virginia. You know, you shout and you shout into the wind on a tiny little site with five visitors in as many days, on average, and it’s not until a certified, actual coach enters the league that anyone realizes that your criticisms of some of the stiffs with head jobs in these parts might have been at least somewhat in the neighborhood of the target. Where have you gone, Dave Lameao? You’re next, El Sid - - but not until after the jump.

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