Hi there, Duke fans! Not enough fun news coming out of the Duke basketball office lately to tide you over until November? Depressed by the realization that the 2009-2010 Blue Devil roster features fewer guards than a standard-issue armored car? Never fear; duhomme is here, and this edition might be funnier than his previous outing. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find a way to sell writing about only Duke games this season to all of our titanic corporate sponsors. Yes, we'll be back in November; relax, you Xanax-poppers. In the meantime, write your own joke for this charming pic of Thuggy and his boss - - AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT BATHROOM DOOR TRYING TO COLLECT THE VIG!!! And with that, here's duhomme. Please enjoy. --Matt

FATHER’S DAY (SORT OF) REVIEW

Because you’ve been shopping, you’ve come across some really bad crap and we just couldn’t allow you to suffer all on your own. No! We’re going to share some silly stuff we came across in no time at all. Yes, we could discuss the dangers women face when the Obama administration nominates them to something, as ankles and elbows are breaking left and right, or the increasing trend among U.S. Senators representing God, the 51st state, having to admit that, oops, they sort of glossed over one of the Ten Commandments. But that would require thought, which these days is running about 47 bucks a gallon around here. So, get ready for a quick look at the headlines, and then mockery of our commercial sponsors, after the jump . . . .

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Matt here - - just wanted to say that this one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I wonder why duhomme came up with this topic now, at this particular time? Enjoy the ride - - this one's a keeper! Thanks to everyone for reading. --Matt

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY . . . .

For another segment in our attempt to keep you coming back to this webpage during the off-season. Is it working? Anyway, for no reason at all whatsoever, I decided to give this one a wedding theme. After all, on any given day, someone is getting married. And if you’ve even done it yourself, or new someone who did or saw a movie where someone gets married, you know there’s lots of planning and decisions that have to be make. Hell, some people make a living just doing that. For those couples that decide to handle all the arrangements themselves, there is, of course, all kinds of products and services that can be found over the internet. Many of which feature butchered photo-editing, questionable shot selection and bizarre items. So, Dukies.com reader, do you take this website, to read and to mock, in accuracy and inaccuracy, posted on time and a day late, until internet service interruption do you part? If so, RSVP after the jump . . . .

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GRAB-BAG EDITION

Meaning this one is sort of all over the place. Yeah, there is the Sotomayor business, the rush of stories immediately after her nomination explaining how she was chosen, what Republicans could or could not do and whether she is pro-choice enough for the pro-choice crowd. And, of course, the odd choice of making the announcement the day after Memorial Day. But I’m already sick to death of the story (Supreme Court confirmations wore me out years ago). Plus, we have a dying industry that refuses to understand why, plus the internet purveyors of crap are still using excessively crappy ways to purvey their wares. So come on in, after the jump . . . .

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THERE’S NO END TO THE IDIOCY

Didn’t take us seriously, huh? Your mistake. When we threaten to keep this site populated with ill-informed analysis designed to distract you from everyday responsibilities such as family and employment, we mean business. Or maybe we just want to be mean to the perpetrators of the onslaught forced on us from mega-corporations trying to sell us stuff we don’t need and (incredibly) using techniques that would make a diabetic uninterested in purchasing insulin.

And, while the last article focused on the possibly-soon-to-be-dinosaur called T.V ads, we’re open to all forms of mass communication that are a delivery device for intelligence insults.
Including, but not limited to, what former Sen. Ted Stevens calls a series of tubes, also known as “the internet.” Marketing and advertising pro’s, often armed with photo-altering software, are banging on the backdoor of your web browser with ill-conceived ideas and even worse image “enhancements.” How bad? Join us, after the jump . . . .

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OFF-SEASON DISTRACTION

So, there were these two guys who wrote about ACC basketball for a website, making predictions with an accuracy rate that made NASA engineers preparing to land a probe on Jupiter snicker with disdain. Fortunately for them, their families, employers, clients, pets and piles of socks needing folding, the season came to an end. Unfortunately, the site kept getting hits, meaning that either the readers who checked in during the basketball season were, for some reason, in need of more inaccuracy, or one disturbed individual had nothing else to do but click on dukies.com hundreds of times a day. You could say Matt and duhomme didn’t want to disappoint, but since they spend November through April doing just that, it’s probably more accurate to say they . . . .

Didn’t know what to do with this space until college hoops started up again. Until one recent night during a long drive through the Arizona highlands, they came upon an idea. Each season they pad their material with gripes about dumb ads, dumb media coverage, dumb public relations moves, dumb political strategy and dumb ACC commissioners. Hell, in recent years, they even trained their razor-sharp wit on TiVo descriptions of movies and absurdly butchered Photoshop jobs. Why not spend the summer and early fall doing more of that in its own right, rather than simply substituting it for, say, a game between UVA and Georgia Tech?

Which (switching person here) is exactly what we’re going to do. And without Swoffie to interfere with his gravy laden hand, we might be able to stick to a regular schedule. We’re thinking Mondays and Fridays. If it was disseminated through print, broadcast, internet or any other kind of medium and it got on our nerves and we want to make fun of it for awhile, we’ll do it here. And we couldn’t wait to get started . . . so let's continue, after the jump.

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“This can be the bitter end
I know it won’t”
- The Silversun Pickups

On the last day of February, I had the chance to travel to Blacksburg, Va., to watch the Blue Devils take on the Hokies of Virginia Tech. It was also my first opportunity to visit the place this beautiful flower of a person, Reema Samaha, my cousin and the at-one-time little girl who carried the flowers down the aisle of my wedding, spent the last of her short 18 years amongst the rest of us before an individual who had no legal right to own a gun and was supposed to be in court-ordered psychiatric treatment decided she and 31 other innocent victims needed to be a sacrifice in the name of his rage against … I don’t know exactly what. He just did it.

In the next edition of Dukies.com, I wrote about the experience. With today being the second anniversary of this event, I thought I’d repeat much of the material, with some additions. It may sound like it’s about me, but it’s not. It’s about the people who never knew Reema whose lives were touched by her memory. So, here we go . . . .

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Admit it, now. You’ve been visiting here on the sneak, usually late at night or early in the morning, and reloading. You wanted to see if we were going to waste any time talking about the 2009 national champion North Carolina-Chapel Hill Tar Heels’ march to the title in Motown. Or you wanted to see if we would just remain silent and see what happens with Gerald Henderson (we’re hearing he’s still 50-50) and John Wall (actually probably a better bet for Duke than most people think right now).

And truth be told, Matt did release duhomme from his contractual bonds today, since the latter had a lot of things to take care of, and there’s nothing to see, or talk about, here anyway. UNC-CH will destroy Villanova and either Michigan State will barely beat Connecticut (probably in double or greater OT) in a tremendous slugfest, setting up The Massacre Part II, Same Venue; or the Connvicts will win, setting up The Summit of All Evil - - either one to take place on Monday night. Villanova, of course, has no chance. You know that already.

Well, with just Matt writing this is going to feel an awful lot like 2005 anyway, so let’s bear down and see if he came up with anything worth reading, after the jump:

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No, we’re not done. Sorry. There’s still more. And we feel as bad about that as you do. So as Coach K huddles with John Wall *and* Seth Curry, let’s talk about bad commercials, okay? Fair enough - - please join us, after the jump.

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We want to thank all the other members of the vast Coast to Coast Conference for their efforts this season, because it sure has been as much fun for us as it was for them, but for however many editions may remain, we end where we began: with Duke and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Don’t get us wrong - - it was sad to see conference schools falling like dominoes on Friday of last week, followed by a subpar performance from Sweaty’s Squadron against a comparatively dominant Memphis team. We wailed for Ollie’s annual choke job. We caterwauled as Goonio got exposed as a recruiter with no operational skillz. We sweated with Sweaty. And Matt, at least, did feel bad for Toney Douglas. That team got pretty far with 1.5 players - - Nadward Attic was the 0.5. (He’ll be their leading scorer next season.)
But the real tragedy? We get paid by the word. Hadn’t you guessed?

“Leave us now bequeath upon our fallen comrades the rest they have so worthily merited.” - - Badfoulio, The Two Gentleperverts of Verona, Act I, Scene IV. And in response, all of you literary fans shout back (individually, I guess): “Let me remember thee what thou hast promised. Which is not yet perform’d me.” - - Ariel, The Tempest, Act I. What, more toil? Ahhhhh, you want picks and analysis, and then you want to come back here, print this and read it over real quick on the can. Fair enough, as we have quite a pair of games on tap.

The Duke Blue Devils travel up to the New Garden in Boston to face the Villanova Wildcats, who ESPN’s Favorite of the Week to beat Duke. The best the Blue Devils can hope for? Advancing to the next round, where ESPN will swiftly stop talking about Villanova, turn on a dime, and begin blathering about Pittsburgh. Xavier? Well, they just cause all kinds of problems for Bristol. Since Duke, you know, sort of played them before. Anyway, at least one of the Two Dukies doesn’t necessarily see what makes Villanova The! Ideal! Team! To Upset! Duke! But we’ll have to see if he can back that up.

Meanwhile, on the Friday undercard, the Tools of Southwest Orange County, errr, I mean, worthy ACC colleagues the Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill do battle with a group of Bulldogs from Spokane, Washington. Gonzaga, as they’re known, didn’t exactly pound the Zips and the Hilltoppers (if I had a nickel . . . ), but then, who did? Never mind the answer to that question, but you may just find that the Zags pose a couple of matchup problems for the boys down 15/501.

This edition could get slightly interesting, all evidence to the contrary, so find a creative new way to leave a hot tip for the authorities, don’t try to reenact any scenes from “The Terminator” if you’re unarmed, at a Chinese restaurant, and an idiot, try not to get sucked into any strange behavior during the next two rounds and . . . read on:

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Youuuuuu ain’t nothing but a horn dog! And if you’re wondering why we named our latest edition after an Elvis song, we didn’t - - we are still in full compliance with our theme, even if Editor Matt is certainly lucky that the season doesn’t go until June. Aren’t we all. In terms of having to read this stuff, that is. Ah, but you’re back, and we are dispatching a team to thank each and every one of you. It won’t take long. Speaking of horn dogs, how many times have we seen (a) the Remote-in-the-Yard Tossers and (b) the Ballroom Dancin’ Fools hawking Viagra by now? You know, when I want to make a point with a wink-wink (sliiiiiiiiding bass note, cheesy saxophone) undertone, I usually just turn the television off - - jettisoning the remote activation device into the lawn is honestly not necessary. And what if Mr. Moves on the Floor there popped some four-hour wood while he was getting dance instructions from that voluptuous Latina at the start of his commercial? Innnnnnnnnnappropriate! Also, the Short Fuse wants to know how “The Haunting in Connecticut” is based on a true story. I assume the working title was “The Laptop in Connecticut,” and they changed a few details for the silver screen.

Look, we were going to do Saturday and Sunday in one fell swoop here, but, as detailed more herein, we’re not contractually obligated to start picking Pac-10 games (hosanna in excelsis!), so, uh, Saturday is pretty much it for us for this weekend. The Tools attempt to catch a Tiger by the tail, after which the Duke Blue Devils take on Foe of Dean Smith Rick Barnes as he ventures back into ACC territory with a bunch of - - Horns (get it?) at his beck and call. Amid all this excitement, it’s easy to forget that Maryland, College Park has some wild cats of its own to look after. We’d better let you go, as anyone who wants to get us off the phone (everyone), is highly susceptible to apparently-popular and cool-sounding phrases, and has very poor manners might say, so wish more of the voters in 2000 and 2004 had listened to Nutmeg State scientists, consider a new type of asset-stripping in the employment context, snuff out that burning desire coming to a can near you - - for a handsome reward, no less, and . . . read on:

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Hi. One of the nice things about doing a 12-team conference schedule is that most weeks, the teams play each other, so you have, like ZERO BARS on this site, and therefore didn’t get the message about the demolition site being moved to a nude beach in Spain with a guy in a scary dinosaur outfit on scene. Or something. Oh! Sorry; I was saying that in those cases, you have six maximum matchups. And turns out - - that’s plenty.

Ah, but enter the NCAA Tournament. And what do we get for our trouble? A seven-team edition. Don’t worry about us, as duhomme is an android requiring neither sleep nor food and I am actually a committee. Sort of like Shakespeare, only without the literary value, perfumed hosiery and ribald Elizabethan humor. Okay, El Guapito does wear hosiery.

I’ve just been handed a request to quit clowning and announce that the Tools welcome the Highlanders of Radford to Greensboro, where the press will be interviewing Ty Lawson’s toe for its latest comments. At the same venue, Duke will play apparently recidivist Binghamton. Who knew? Also on Thursday, Clemson and Maryland separately enjoy Kansas City, and on Friday, the Noids mull over their miss at an ACC title in the comfort of bustling Boise, Weak hits the road (uh-oh!) in South Beach, and the Nutcracker jawbones his way around Minny while being tailed by someone matching the description of Demar DeRozan.

You know, it sounds as though Matt may get to take a couple of shots at his favorite conference, the Pacific-10, herein and forthwith. We’d better not interfere, so find out how many bars you can get - - in prison, take the plunge all along the watchtoilet, find an even better use for your taxpayer money than AIG bailouts and . . . read on:

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Virginia may be facing a long offseason, but at least the Hoos are off to an excellent start. The school bagged Dave Leitao on Tuesday after its worst men's basketball season in 31 years. Yeah, they did the old "he resigned" two-step, but obviously, he was fired - - I don't know too many people who are voluntarily leaving their seven-figure jobs these days.

The AP article I linked above is pretty comprehensive, in that it gets into the ridiculous personnel decisions that Lameao made all season. The article touched briefly on the curious senior season of Mamadi Diane, who mailed it in from the opening game in November, but suddenly exploded on Senior Day. It seems clear that Dave was having some chemistry issues. That was probably the real reason UVa canned him now; after all, the program showed signs of life down the stretch for a change. Don't leave out the possibility that Craig Littlepage (one of the ACC's huuuuuuuuuuuge self-styled backroom operators) met with the players, especially Landesberg, and based his decision on what he learned in those discussions. Meanwhile, as those meetings were held, team play improved. Nah, I don't have any proof, but it's a wacky theory that makes a lot of sense (huh?) and I'm sticking to it.

Lameao was a ridiculous hire to begin with, supposedly bringing some cachet from, uh, Northeastern?? Of course he only got the Virginia job because of his status as a Calgoon disciple, but that's a coaching tree without a ton of vibrant branches. Anyway, Dave came into town, rode Gillen signee Sean Singletary as long as he could, then authored a mindblowingly awful season as soon as Singletary left town. Not an ACC-caliber coach. Period.

This time, Littlepage, try finding an up-and-comer with REAL credentials. The usual mediots like Gary Parrish are out with columns waving around absurd, pie-in-the-sky possibilities like Jeff Capel (who'd have to be crazy to leave Oklahoma in a lateral move at best, and in the process, slot himself to match up at least once every season with his alma mater and college coach - - not going to happen) and Tubby Smith (blitheringly stupid linkage; also no chance of actually coming true). The obvious choice, of course, is VCU's Anthony Grant, who is already well-established in the Commonwealth with the needed recruiting contacts, and has plenty of cred from recruiting all of the players on Florida's back-to-back title teams. I bet K would give him a recommendation, too - - and he'd be an excellent choice to help Virginia recapture some of the tradition it's lost over the last eleven seasons of Gillen and this latest goof.

Got a better idea for Lameao's successor? Discuss after the jump.

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The Duke Blue Devils are the 2009 ACC Tournament champions!! What a fantastic achievement, showing how confident this team has been down the stretch (ever since the Great Lineup Change), and niftily sweeping away some of the ghosts of yesterseason and yesterseasonbeforethat.

Jon Scheyer was simply awesome, earning Tournament MVP honors with 29 points. Henderson and Singler (particularly in the first half) weren't too shabby either. Another nice effort by Dave McClure, too. Nolan Smith was the Energy Man - - how about that slam??

I like how Duke sacked up and put the game away despite Douglas' effort to lead his team back.

Congrats, Duke!!! You earned it!!!!!

Attention now turns, of course, to the seeding. Let's use the thread following this post to discuss it. Conventional wisdoids are saying there is just noooooooo way that Duke gets a #1 seed, an argument that I don't get. Memphis as a #1, with their 1-2 record against the Top 25? Ridiculous. And why is Pitt automatically a #1? They didn't win the Big East, they lost in their tourney quarters - - but because they swept Connvictecticut, they get a #1 without question?

Whatever. When you play the toughest sked in the country, win the best or maybe second-best conference tournament title . . . I think you should at least be in the #1 conversation. Or get the top #2.

Thoughts?

Congrats again, Duke. Well done.

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