Another Two Dukies season has come and gone, and I thought we would share a few thoughts on the season gone by for you, as well as take care of some housekeeping details, and make some other announcements. So feel like you're the guy always getting the shaft, get your grope on at the nearest wake, get the lead out with a big dump and . . . read on:

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In recognition of the first anniversary of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, duhomme reminds us of the things that are really important in life. Please read on. Thanks.

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Well! Isn't this exciting! The amazing run of the Davidson Wildcats has managed to make what is otherwise a rather pedestrian NCAA Tournament into an enjoyable affair, except for, of course, you know that drill.

Today, however, we come not to praise Davidson, but to heap scorn and hopefully bury the only remaining Galactic Coast Conference team still hanging around, wounding my heart with a monotonous languor. Leave us now cease to wax poetic and examine the chances of the Louisville Cardinals in tonight's action.

So break up a nefarious, heavily carbonated gathering, remember to leave your number in case anything important comes up, catch a few Zs on the government dole after getting a bit trashed and . . . read on:

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Wow!! These two teams from the Commonwealth just won't quit. I ignored them earlier in the week because I was flying back from a visit to Chicago (love it there as always), but they both insisted on winning, so here we are. I also decided to throw in some Sweet Sixteen analysis of a certain team, but only if I get to talk about the Pac-10, my very favorite conference, in the bargain.

So toss that apple over there by the tree, yea verily, those who hearken unto me, giveth up thy Socials and credit card info, meet your new domestic policy czar and . . . read on:

THURSDAY UPDATE!! Tools preview now added!

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No real edition today - - I think we probably, just maybe earned a short break. Happy Easter, everyone. If you want a laugh, go check out another famous site on the Internet, where you are told how to be a Duke fan. Did I say Happy Easter?

Thanks for reading.

North Carolina-Chapel Hill 85, Arkansas 74.

Texas 92, Miami (FL) 80.

Sorry for the lateness, everybody! I had to volunteer at some organization that I'm affiliated with until about 11 P.M. last night, and then got home just in time to watch the last ten minutes of the last four games. I saw Western Kentucky win from home earlier in the day, so I wasn't completely deprived, although I must say that following a certain scuzz program's loss to, uh, San Diego was the most fun I've had in front of a computer since I played Electronic Arts' new role-playing game, Tom Clancy's Client 9: The Beltway. And after seeing Memphis look weak against UTA, and Clemson (sort of sadly) go down to Villanova (again - - they were really, truly, honestly a twelve seed?), and after seeing a real twelve and two thirteens advance, well, perhaps I don't feel so bad about Duke squeaking by Belmont. Ah, but there's always the next game to see how that whole exploratory emotion turns out.

Luckily, duhomme and Guest Dukie Al White are here to, respectively, serve an apprenticeship with Judy Woodruff and slap Duke cold upside its head. You know? Hey, holmes, I can dig it! And duhomme, please don't invite Liddy over to any Duke games. In fact, don't invite her over to the Command Center anymore either; neither she nor we much enjoyed her last visit. duhomme might have even sneaked a little etymological content into his material, in case you were wondering and wanting to learn more about him. We just need his W-4. Oh, and someone around here needs to give him an e-mail address. And hit a three-pointer. Must I do everything?

So muse that it might be nice if everyone expended their energy actually learning to play a real musical instrument, but hey, close enough, I guess, demand an apology on behalf of the International Brotherhood and Sisterhood and Teddy Bears Local 521 for this disgrace, (and P.S., that's not what a "teddy" is - - ask any former governor), check out two members of the latest opponent to give Duke fits in the NCAAs and . . . read on:

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For these Friday games, that is. Yesterday? Uhhhh . . . heh heh heh. That was sooooooooo Thursday of you to ask about that. Well, the team of record is still around, which is more than we can say for the McD-League version of last season at this time, but hey. It's all relative. More about last night's curious (or was it actually all that curious?) result a bit later tonight, but first, these messages concerning three ACC squads still insisting on finishing out the string. Matt and duhomme, who has basically just assigned his life away at this point, continue to huff and puff away like idiots, signifying nothing. Macbeth.

So scrutinize conspiracy #12, that ever-mysterious "Lots More Information" hoax, surge to the top of the banned words list, and while you're at it, stop saying "reference" in place of "refer to," get nailed by some really compelling DNA evidence and . . . read on:

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It's that time again, as the Duke Blue Devils resume their season at the Phone Booth in Washington against the Bruins of Belmont. Quick! Does Belmont have a Maynorlike humanoid from the State of North Carolina on its roster? NAY! Nary a North Carolinian to be found. Hey, I think Duke "might could" have a chance here! (Linguistics courtesy of ACC Commissioner's office.) Matt and duhomme examine this question just for you.

On the undercard, it's . . . the UMCP Twerpins? Yes, they insist on visiting the Carrier Dome tonight so that Syracuse can get revenge on the team that singlehandedly took their spot in the NCAA Tourn - - oh. Well, never mind.

So get your SO all fired up over the Jayhicks potentially tanking another season, consider a change in your legal representation, conclude that sometimes, it's better just to ignore a real dick than give him huge publicity and . . . read on:

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Wow! So I mention to duhomme at the water cooler the other day that, in addition to playing the practical joke on Boomer involving the old balloon and the engagement ring-trick, we get to write about Todd Bozeman tonight.

I guess this was like the Holy Grail to him or something, because the dude is off like a shot to a nearby (state-of-the-art) workstation. Five hours later, in came the product you see below. Jelani Gardner's dad would be proud.

You know, even though I'm feeling a little certifiably insane, I think it's time to do a little Virginia Tech prognostication. (The Two Hokies still haven't called.) Ah well. Hey, who left this envelope full of cash lying around?

So see if you can beat the crowd to scalp some NIT tickets, ask Kansas Sate forward Bill Walker if these new models will be okay, assuming he doesn't have a towel handy, engage in a little robotic feline diplomacy with those wacky Japanese and . . . read on:

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So I fully, fully intended to tell you all about the Hos, Twerps, and Noids last night, and although I did some work at my volunteer job during the day, I headed off to a legal seminar last evening at a major urban law school with ultramodern facilities. I intended, of course, to catch up on my preview-writing during the seminar, which is perfectly acceptable since I am capable of listening in rapt attention while writing. In fact, as you can tell, this stuff really just writes itself, when I don’t pay a committee to produce it, like Dollar Bill Shakespeare did. As you can also tell, or would have been able to do so had you been there, other attendees had similar ideas, including, well, all of them. There wasn’t a person in the large room who wasn’t engaged in some other activity (100% accurate examples: reading the newspaper; playing Tetris on a cell phone; texting what appeared to be a Victor Hugo novel to someone; crocheting; examining the inside of one’s eyelids for signs of aging; crosswords; reading some dimestore novel; et cetera). However . . . no public Wi-Fi access! Yay! This means I don’t have to . . . oh, I mean, uh, sorry, I wasn’t able to connect, despite being in the middle of a law school in a major urban center. Weird.

So, instead of going back and writing previews of games that already happened, I thought I would try my hand at this recapping thing. I’ll be back, with duhomme, to discuss VPI on Wednesday, and then maybe the NCAAs will start. I understand there are four ACC teams participating.

Ready? Right, me neither, but here, we go, after the jump:

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Sweet! This is the easiest bracket Duke has received in years and years. Duke is the #2 seed in the West and will face #15 seeded Belmont on Thursday at the Phone Booth in Washington. Should the Blue Devils win that game, it's the winner of #7 seed West Virginia and #10 Arizona. Arizona?????? Oh, yes. Awesome.

We also drew an extremely weak #3 seed in Xavier, and if we keep winning, will be slated to face dramatically overrated UCLA. But first things first, and we'll discuss Belmont later. (They did beat Cincinnati and Alabama on the road early in the season, but later lost to just about everyone else, and dropped games in conference to Campbell and Kennesaw State. Their stat profile is remarkably similar to Duke's.)

Pieces of good news? Sure! No dominant big man in the bottom half of the bracket; WVU is not athletic; Arizona has no depth; Xavier and Belmont play a very similar style to what we do. We are in good, good shape, folks.

Meanwhile, the Tools got the #1 overall seed, but probably get to play Indiana and D.J. White in the second round, and have Tennessee as their #2 seed. (Huh? So TN was the weakest #2? I tried to tell everyone that the Selectostiffs just completely ignore the S-curve.) Notre Dame is lurking at #5 in their bracket too. Some top overall draw.

Comments? I think this is the best possible draw we could have received, and we here at Dukies.com happen to be pretty ecstatic.

Oh, and I guess we're "certifiably insane," because we didn't think VPI should be in the NCAA Tournament. Weirdly, though, we're certifiably insane *and* correct. Ah well. Bye, Surly Seth! Play a tougher OOC sked next season, you jerk.

And we're not talking about the Blue Devils there, but the ridiculous element of Duke's online fan base that comes out after a loss and utterly fails to realize how good of a team we just lost to. That wasn't Wake Forest, folks! The loss was also meaningless, and, in fact, could be a net positive.

Anyway, sorry for the delay on this, as Matt is down four points to a migraine early in the second half, but plans to clear his bench and go to the Tylenol Play. And looking around other nameless similar (in subject matter) sites, we hope that you've enjoyed eleven previews in four days more than some of the, well, older articles elsewhere? Ahhh, we kid.

So get your hands around a keen grasp of the blitheringly obvious, wonder if this ancient grandstanding photo-opper is traveling with only three helicopters as security as he strolls around this time, hope that if you need a lawyer, he or she didn't just fall off a turnip truck and . . . read on:

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Hey! HOW ABOUT SOME MORE?? We thought you might like that too, so let's go over a few basics. First, be very careful of errant caroms when today's Duke opponent is shooting free throws. Your safety is our primary concern. Second, never, ever, attend an indoor sporting event in Atlanta without a hardhat, rain slicks, and excavation equipment.

Sounds like some good counsel. Well, Matt and duhomme don't stop there, sallying forth for their ninth and tenth previews of ACC action in three days, and even handing out a few awards from a windblown Friday, so perhaps you'll spare a few moments to read the material contained within. No? Look, it's completely understandable. It happens to a lot of guys at the wrong time. Gals, never mind. Let's wrap this up fast.

So get all bollixed up in this vexing nightwalking scandal while holding out for the "whole enchilada," order all personnel, or just one random guy, to inspect that structural damage with ferocious intensity, quickly dethrone this corrupt idiot and . . . read on:

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After six days off spent fending away more Internet speculation and discussion than that surrounding Client 9, the Duke University Blue Devils men's basketball team takes the brazenly hued hardwood at Charlotte Bobcats Arena tonight to spray and hopefully swat (playfully!) the cute little BugThugs of the Georgia Institute of Leaknology, who sent Lameao back to the loving arms of Calgoon on Thursday. Hey, don't roll your eyes at me, you freak! Oh; he was just faking.

Now, come, you didn't think we'd forget those other three tilts on tap, did you? No no no no no. (We tried.) Matt finds amusement in his channel guide, duhomme supplies the Official Injury Report, and Day Two of this exciting event is at hand, presumably with a few souls in the stands this time. Look, you had Wake and N.C. State fans dumping their tickets (and keeping a firm grip on their paper bags), so there have to be PLENTY of good seats still available. Right? Sure.

So try to dope out what Virginia is using UFO Hall for these days, take a quick glance at the disabled list for today's action, hope that's not some kind of painful electrical stimulus he's talking about and . . . read on:

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It's here! It's here! The BIG LEAST TOURNAMENT!! At the World's Most Famous Arena! And you can find coverage of all the action on another network, but we appear here to discuss the Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament in Charlotte, North Carolina at Refreshingly Not Named for Some F**king Bank Arena.

So who do you like in this four-day single elimination funfest, eh? Duke? The Michael Jordan-led Tools? The deadeye-shooting Tiggers of Clemson? Elegant and debonair VPI? Cool - - you'll have to wait until Friday for all of them.

In the meantime, Matt and duhomme seek to bring you a few giggles by covering the *rest* of the field, and as you know, this is a field that needs no covering. Still, it appears that mistakes were made, deeds were done, and seven-diamond girls were hired by the governor, so look, just s**t or get off the pot already, lament the slow progression from Skittles to laptops, throw up your hands and figure, hey, how could this possibly end badly and . . . read on:

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Blue waxes poetic in the wake of the unfortunate result on Saturday.

For me, the game was quite simple. We scored 21, yes ***21*** fewer points than we did in Chapel Hill, missed 51 shots from the floor, and we STILL had the game won, except we decided not to score for the last 5:43, and lost by eight. That says less about UNC-CH and how great they supposedly are than it does about Duke, I think . . . but what it says about Duke, I'm not exactly sure. That we have mental lapses? That we're tired? That we just had a bad game? You can supply your own thoughts with a vote in the poll. Personally, if the Blue Devils win their game on Friday, then it's all good.

ACC Tournament preview coming Wednesday, covering Thursday's action.

As for Blue? Here she is, NOW:

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No, seriously - - open them wider! And keep them that way! Look, it's becoming obvious that I'm not dealing with any amateur here. Ahhhhhhhhhh!! It burns! it burns!!

Luckily, I just exhaled, and my worthy opponent flopped to the floor. Whew! That was close.

Well, this is it. The last regular season installment OF 2007-2008, and for this special edition, we've lined up some special guests and analysis. That's "special" as in "special agent," not some other form of special - - you can find the latter on InsideCryolina or the Tool Radio Network.

Despite a last-minute entreaty from the negligently functioning Dukies.com offices, six guests, including fo'shizzle playa Al White, dauntless recappista bluedevilyn, sinister Canadian agent CDG, cunning imperialist TRT, spot-on sommelier The Naked Vine, and tiny Latino anatagonist El Guapito, join in and offer their trenchant thoughts. Al White even analyzed the Battle of Florida and supplied picks for the other games for some reason. Hammer down, blood!

Roy Williams (near-priapism) is questionable for this edition, but you're not, so invite San Francisco to remove its head from its hindquarters, while you're at it, see if you can do the same for the Big Apple - - "make it rain!" - - get the lowdown on a real dick and . . . read on:

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Most of you know by now that Eve Carson, a 22-year old woman who was the president of UNC-CH's student body and a senior at UNC, was found dead on Wednesday morning and later identified by Chapel Hill police.

On Tuesday night, Auburn University freshman Lauren Burk, 19, was found by Auburn police, left for dead on the side of a road. She later passed away in the hospital. Ms. Burk's car was found a half hour after she was, in the parking lot of an athletics practice facility on the Auburn campus. It was in flames.

If I may be so bold, I thought that the incidents at Virginia Tech last April and Northern Illinois last month might have been enough to suggest to public universities that tightening campus security would be a good idea. Unfortunately, however, neither one of these horrible tragedies appears to have been so easily preventable. Ms. Carson was brutally murdered, execution style, in a quiet neighborhood that (as you'll know immediately if you are familiar with Chapel Hill) is hardly a dangerous area. That does not suggest a random act to me, particularly since her car was found soon thereafter, relatively intact. While speculation is probably useless, I will say that it's far more likely that she was the victim of gang activity (particularly since she was a high-profile target), or of some deranged frustrated suitor or other stalker, than a randomly chosen victim. Sickening.

Ms. Burk's case is similar - - the burning of the car seems to connote a premeditated act of pure, angry evil. How absolutely unspeakable.

In a very small comfort, the timing of the acts and the distance between the two campuses (almost 500 miles) seems to rule out any connection. It's not impossible, but it's highly implausible. I assume that the two women did not know each other, and that we would have heard by now if they had; Ms. Carson was from Athens and Ms. Burk was from Marietta, but northern Georgia is a big place.

There are tributes to both Ms. Carson and Ms. Burk up at various points on the Web. They both had their whole lives ahead of them and were ripped away from those who knew them by some despicable cowards. I hope the latter are quite swiftly brought to justice.

Duke will observe a moment of silence at Cameron during the game against North Carolina on Saturday night in honor of Eve Carson.

May all who mourn these two young women be comforted.

If you decide to comment on this thread, please be responsible and think carefully about what you're saying before you post. (Sorry, but this site is not a democracy.) Thanks.

Blue returns from a nasty bug - - no, not Matt Causey - - and throws down the Gerald Hendersonesque medieval gauntlet of truth by summing up what happened in Charlottesville, THE COMMONWEALTH. Not to spoil it, but Duke won. And the Blue Devils played well.

Here's Blue:

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Don't worry, we didn't forget about that rain game, although Georgia Tech did. We already picked it, and probably incorrectly. Oh, well.

Tonight, on Super Tuesday, Wake takes its insane act on the road and the unstoppable Tools look to continue their domination of the ACC's weak sisters by hosting the goofballs from TeeHee. Someone check - - UNC-CH has played seven road games, right?

UPDATE: Technical problems prevented the posting of the Duke game material. Sorry. It does happen. I've now updated the material with a few thoughts, mostly looking backward, and my and duhomme's original picks. Yes, I really did figure out that the BugThugs would beat Clemson at home.

So get your news links ready, delete them accidentally, come up with nothing and . . . read on:

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Well, this place looks about the same as when I last left it - - I think Boomer threw a party for his cats and kittens (hola!), and duhomme might have raided the fridge, judging by the log entries, but all in all, no worries.

So, want to carry on here? I mean, we can't let everyone down. Oh, twist my arm - - you got it. More material. And duhomme and I are joined by a special guest, who decided to go by the enigmatic handle of ClemsonGuest. Our analysts have concluded that he may be a fan of Clemson basketball, and that he is probably a real mason at the stripe. In any case, ClemsonGuest makes his return to this space after appearing several years ago, and it is always nice to prove to the world, and/or the 21 people who read this, that there are about two who aren't Duke fans. And we got one of them to write for us! You couldn't make this stuff up. And in an edition where Duke slides into the ESA, the Tools visit a snowy village of Newton and Brookline, and Scaryland hosts Clemson, we need to make some stuff up, stat.

With that palaver officially delivered, let's get back into the swing of things around here, shall we? Two Dukies and one Tig(g)er it is. So figure that if the Hos have anything to say about it, we won't be admitting the Rattlers of FAMU to the league just yet, try not to sneeze at the idea that you're the worst "CEO" ever, ask Brando and Tim Russert to quit blowing hot air for five consecutive minutes to cut down on foreseeable consequences and . . . read on:

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Sorry, but it's another short one, here, folks. However, duhomme saddles up and brings the funk, or something. Look, I am really tired. At least I won't have to do this all again in five months. Oh, wait . . . actually, Mr. President? That's not *necessarily* accurate. [/Independence Day]

What I mean is, duhomme sends in a full report from . . . well, wherever he is. And the forecast? Looks like rain, as the Jerkets towel themselves off and swarm in, mouths agape, to a facility with advanced comfort features like climate control.

By the way, in the wake of the Oscars, if you ever want to enjoy a movie with Ellen Page in it, do not, as in not ever, rent or purchase, and then watch, "Hard Candy." You will have severe difficulty watching, let alone, enjoying, a film with Ms. Page in it ever again. Even if she was pretty good as Shadowcat in that third X-Men flick. By the way, the acceptance speech from the writer of "Juno" was really touching. Good for her! And yes, if you were wondering, everyone who majored in any Romance language at any fancy school located in any city of about 100,000 people in the Southeastern U.S. at any time in the 1990s is here to tell you that the French lass deserved that statue. And how.

P.S., stop hosing George Clooney. I like Daniel Day-Lewis, too, but come now. NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS!

Looks like the Vols didn't enjoy being at the top of the polls. Didn't take long for the Tools to climb back into that driver's seat and honk their little horn.

The music is playing, which must mean I have to wind this up. So indulge me here just this once, let me skip this part, accept my sincere thanks and . . . read on:

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So. How's everyone doing? READY FOR MORE EXCITING DUKE BASKETBALL? So am I - - particularly since we haven't been treated to any since brooming Scaryland, or at least since it was 60-55 in Winston.

Regrettably, I am, as they used to say in an unintentionally hilarious portion of the FAA-mandated preflight chatter, "distracted by other attentions," which have nothing to do with me sitting in an exit row. Luckily, duhomme has a few thoughts, and he's funny as usual. I included a stray observation here and there. which you can skim through, or say you did and save a few seconds.

Talk about a no-win scenario for Duke. Well, let's win anyway, pretty please? Meanwhile, Georgia Tech engineers stream back to the drawing board, Sweaty soils the back end of another broom, the Tools include Ademola Okulaja and Makhtar Ndiaye on their injury report, and, I don't know, I guess the other Galactic Coast teams are still playing, if they didn't get rained out. P.S., go Vols? (Yes, the Tools would possibly be #1 again soon. I don't care.)

So celebrate the fact that some people still care about proper, like, language and stuff, celebrate another win for the Matt-led (okay, too egotistical about leading, but I'm on the front lines, darn it) forces of Naming Sports Teams After The Cities in Which They Actually Play, stop dicking around with that easel and . . . read on:

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Blue's here! She didn't like that result down at the Conversation Center anymore than most of you did. Those of you who have selected "Tank Job" in the polls are being watched. In case you win the lottery!!!

Here's Blue, and fast.

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Okay! Well, we had two and a half weeks, plus Kwanzaa, to stew over that last loss, but this time around, it’s a little different, with a mere three-day turnaround for the Duke Blue Devils as they prepare to take on the Shalalas at the jewel of C-USA venues, the Conversation Center. Cool! Meanwhile, there are three other games that don’t interest you, plus the usual Tool-Pack arson job. As far as the injury report goes, well, you know - - we don’t usually disclose that sort of thing, and if you’ll excuse me, the phone is ringing with some aw-shucks poseur calling to yell at me profanely about how he fails to understand psy ops in the media. Suffice it to say that duhomme is questionable with other attentions, but his material has now been posted, and Matt is, as always, doubtful. He should probably talk to Your Doctor.

So find your lack of float disturbing, yea verily, sayeth the word, go forth and freely bang one another, quietly ask Horseface to stop reporting infected toenails and headaches and . . . read on:

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Wow. That was . . . disappointing?

Yes. Well, when one team has been reading its press clippings a bit too eagerly, and is already in the NCAA Tournament, and the other is trying to get in . . . I guess you can see what will happen.

Here's the bright side: it's not really possible for Duke to play much worse than that, ever, on all sides of the ball, with only one player (Nolan) showing up. Another bright spot: hey, did we really think the team was not going to lose again, from now through the NCAA title game?

Maybe this loss can be a positive. Blue has some trenchant thoughts, so let's join her by making the jump.

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Well, we’re hitting the homestretch now, folks, and it sure is getting interesting. Wait - - sorry. We *thought* it was getting interesting. With 2.5 good teams in the conference, and a bunch of pretenders and an outright fraud in the form of Virginia, this is looking like a four-bid league more and more every day, unless VPI upsets the sadly undermanned Tools, or someone decides that Goonio and Weak deserve a bid. Hmmm. In other news, Stiffeson is out with a bad attitude, and Ellington has a bad back from carrying UNC-CH’s offense, since everyone has mostly figured out to stop doubling down on Handjob. Heh, fooled you - - according to Roy Williamschick, those are his only healthy players. Good thing he didn’t sign any freshmen last offseason. Will increasingly shrinking F$U play themselves out of the postseason? Can ridiculous Clemson sack up within the borders of the State of North Carolina? duhomme loses a key legal battle and is forced to pick all six games, and the court also tosses his counterclaim demanding that Matt stop publishing. Well, maybe you have some ideas.

SUNDAY UPDATE: Please check out Blue's Duke-Twerps recap, added below because of the priorty of article postings, which is determined by (a) the Doctrine of Worthier Title; (b) the equal dignities rule; or (c) the relevant anti-lapse statute. And ask me by . . . let's see here . . . ah yes, Monday what the DWT is, and I might even know.

ANOTHER SUNDAY UPDATE: Duke @ Wake material now posted!! Yowsa!!

So wonder whether this ruling will be appealed by an understandably peeved Steve Fossett, get hitched in order to have the needed lifeboost of using the HOV lanes, demand that someone, damn it, be held accountable for this and . . . read on:

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Blue returns and gives us a pretty funny condensation (AW-HAW-HAW, right? - - but what's really funny, and not in a good way, is that I've been writing about Sweaty for eleven seasons and never thought of that one before) of what happened Wednesday night in Cameron. Considering my continuing thesis that UMCP is better than UNC-CH, with a direct empirical head-to-head contest as my best evidence, I was pretty impressed with Duke's beatdown.

But let's find out what Blue thought - - please to make jump?

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Yeah, I know. This one's just a wee bit late in coming. Well, those of you who know me know why that is, and the rest of you can assume that I . . . am still sounding like Caruso in my head!! Geez. I need some help. Anyway, a defendant that is a citizen of the forum state cannot remove an action to federal court, and you can choose either the Van Camp or the Pereira method for that vexing accounting for the appreciation of business profits during the existence of the marital community. With me?

Okay. In this edition, we revisit the last outing against the Beads with a little help from Caruso and William Shatner (have these guys ever been on screen together? This needs to happen), duhomme attends a sweat-soaked basketball camp, and Boomer checks in from Chicagoland to offer his thoughts. I don't have time to edit them, so hopefully he kept himself in check. As they say.

A little anxious about tonight's game? Just got a dinnertime call from Kelvin Sampson? No worries here.

So suspend a guy to teach him a lesson, well, unless you might need him or something, remove obstacles to getting a big project completed by removing some of the local tail, ask Nolan Smith how the heck he invented force field technology and . . . read on:

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#5 NORTH CAROLINA-CHAPEL HILL (22-2, 7-2) @ VIRGINIA (11-11, 1-8)

Yes, well, unfortunately, that title doesn't just describe the coach of the homestanding team in tonight's single-game Galactic Coast Conference action; it also refers to the owner of this website, who was simply unable, due to sock-folding, litter-box-cleanup and other responsibilities, to organize a proper edition for tonight. Coming back strong for the Duke game on Wednesday? Sure. Who are we playing again? Ha ha, just kidding. We know the answer.

Tonight's game ranks very high on the Unnecess-o-Meter. Fresh off their ridiculous, ref-assisted win over incompetent boob Oliver Purnell and his Pussies, who decided to but into the "Win Without Free Throws" strategy to not-so-great effect on Sunday night, leading to nothing more interesting than some live blogging here, the Tools invade LZBPA to take on the asinine Cravs, who are still trying to find themselves, in addition to their shreds of remaining dignity.

Good luck with that search! In the meantime, watch UNC-CH try to attrit their way to their eighth conference win, desperately trying to hold on through a cinch-o sked (this joke of a game, VPI, @ NCSU, WFU, @ BC, FSU) before facing Duke again, hopefully armed with Ty Lawson instead of a fleet of excuses. Hopefully for them, that is. Well, doesn't matter, right? If they lose, then it was because of the Loss of Lawson Law. Maybe he should sit out the rest of the season.

Anyway, the ACC Handbook claimed this game started at 9:00, but evidently that wasn't the case, so let's get this pick entered. Commenters (if any): talk amongst yourselves on any subject that pleases you. Goodnight!

North Carolina-Chapel Hill 82, Virginia 68.

Blue checks in with her summary and analysis of all things Nutcrackerian, including the latest rugby match Duke had to suffer through over the weekend. Well, at least we didn't get taken to double-OT at home or something, and since Duke gets all the calls, I find it amazing that the Beagles went to the line for more than, say, seven attempts.

In a world where Blue begins, NOW:

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Is a little history about to be made? ON EDIT: Only if you're talking about the worst coaching performances of all time!

Probably not a good idea to get too excited, inasmuch as you figure that the Tiggers have to have at least a ten-point lead with five minutes to go to withstand the inevitable Jailbreak Tool Three-Pointer or two, not to mention weathering their own almsmasonry.

62-47, 10:46 remaining!

UPDATE: 8:31 left, and Hammonds blows through four Tool matadors and draws the foul. His ensuing free throw looks like an assault attempt. Thomas misses on the other end. 70-56, 8:01, held ball, Clemson keeps it.

UPDATE: Under-eight deadball. Clemson's defense looks just like Duke's on Wednesday, smothering the perimeter. Looks like Ollie didn't trip over the "remote control cord" on *his* "VCR". Handjob to the line for two freebies after the break . . . and . . . DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'! (Short version.) That didn't take long.

UPDATE: Brando, back after the break, is actually taking up more space than Gminski. Jesus. When does the balloon go up? Handjob sinks both. Clemson dodges a transition turnover. Harry Potter misses a three that was halfway down. Smellingon caps one instead. Time out, Pussies. 70-61, 6:46.

UPDATE: Tony Greene invents an offensive foul call on Mays from whole cloth. Tools give it back, Hammonds lays it in in transition. Smellington comes back with a nifty scoop shot and is fouled. (Brandroid: A SEEEEING-EYE DEUCE!!) But Hammonds buries a threeeeeee. Dunk by Handjob in response. 75-66, 5:00.

UPDATE: Mays gets a dunk on the run after a pilfer. Green commits teaching-manual-level charge on the other end, no call, makes the close-in leaner shot, stoppage of play for some reason, presumably a UNC-CH timeout, since no ads. Brandro tells us nothing. 79-70, 3:00.

UPDATE The giveaway is on!! Three straight Clemson boners, leading to two straight Handjob chippies, and now we have the under-four deadball with the Tools in possession. They are absolutely dominant, but of course if Lawson was out there they would be winning by 50. Brandroid is yelling incoherently about history and great white sharks. 79-74, 2:02.

UPDATE Is Clemson just hysterical?? I don't really even care who wins at this point. Purnell: the worst coach in history. Green caps a wide open Jailbreak Three! And now the stage is set for the Tiggers to lose easily. 79-77, 1:40.

UPDATE Hammonds and Greenosaurus trade threes. Clemson inbounds the ball, no matter - - Bernard Clinton still gives Horseface a timeout a full three seconds later. These guys are unreal. Even Brando says it was goofy. UNC-CH gets the value of a full media timeout while the zebras sort it all out. Swofford wires the funds. 82-80, 1:10.

UPDATE Tie game! Stitt misses a one-and-one after a deliberate foul, and QT ties it with a nice contested layin on the other end. Lawson would have scored five points on that play and done a little ditty on a band member's flute before play resumed. 82-82, :19.4, game obviously headed to OT.

UPDATE: Overtime! Rivers misses in close with about three seconds left, no foul, Handjob tosses it out of bounds, Clemson weakly does nothing with the inbounds, and we go to extra baseball. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'! #2, followed by a Warren Wallace GEICO ad. I'm the only person who doesn't find those uproarious, right? Only question now is the final Tool margin of victory. I'm guessing seven.

UPDATE: Ooooooglesby for three on a jailbreak! Booker fouls out on the other end. Jerai Grant sighting impending? That guy who used to be Sam Perry? Ever the Master, Purnell wisely uses the full minute to put in a replacement and get a free stoppage. Jenn Hildreth wakes up from Grievous' bedside and phones in a meaningless update. 87-86, 2:00 (OT).

UPDATE: Handjob tosses in a basket from close range after taking three steps. Got the board off of a ridiculous Green brick. Clemson has nothing on the other end; Outrageous Ollie burns a TO with 12 on the shot. Hilarious "because you're not *that* guy" ad from Helzberg Diamonds. 88-87 UNC-CH, :52.9 (OT).

UPDATE: Oglesby buries a face-up, totally contested three!! Commits dumb foul on the other end. QT makes first, makes second. 90-90, :30.0 (OT).

UPDATE: Clemson wastes another opportunity. Clemson doesn't guard the inbounds, Handjob tosses to QT at near-midcourt, still in the backcourt, Deputy Dawg calls another TO. Brando: "My flight's not until tomorrow." Well, I sure hope your hotel reinforced its bedding! Silly play by UNC-CH and now it's on to double-OT. 90-90, end of 1st OT.

UPDATE: "DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'" #3. Brandy: "Can Clemson get over this foothill, or mountain, if you will?" Huh? I won't, Tim. UNC-CH up by two, Clemson has nothing left, Handjob to the line, makes first, makes second. Clemson HAS NOT HIT A FREE THROW IN THE GAME. Outstanding. Still the case, as Mays misses the first of two. "Those demons. Those demons you simply cannot shred," intones Timmy. Is he okay? Mays caps a free throw!!!!!!! Mays caps a free throw!!!! 94-91 UNC-CH*, 3:13 (2 OT).

UPDATE: Harry Potter puts the ball on his hip and scores to cut it to one. Stitt fouls out on the other end to send Greenie to the stripe. Makes both. Handjob steals from Harry Potter at midcourt, falls down, Potter of course called for the foul. Handbag makes first, makes second, Papa Handjob sighting!! Game over. 98-93*, UNC-CH, 1:33 (2 OT).

UPDATE: Only the final margin in question now! Rivers popped by Green, no call, doesn't matter. Purnell - - pick up your check at reception! Seriously, fire this man immediately. Worst coach I've ever seen. 1-7 on free throws for the game, which went 50 minutes???? Uh, perhaps a different gameplan? Final margin is ten, 103-93, as UNC-CH makes this look like some sort of easy blowout. Hehehehe. Clemson!!! YOU. ARE. UN. REAL!!

Good typing practice for me - - thanks to anyone reading! Goodnight, all. Blue's Duke recap to be posted shortly.

Wait a minute - - wasn’t that our season? If this were college football, it would have been, yes, but this is a real sport, and we must keep playing. That’s okay with us, unless we have to contend with yet another group of UFC aspirants/burgeoning criminal justice offenders - - oh, and we do! It’s The Nutcracker. Hi, The Nutcracker. One of the fun things about last year’s season - - pretty much all that was fun, actually, together with the nice wins over Indiana and eventual Tools door escort Georgetown - - was the sweep of the Sugar Plum Fairies, which bookended an atrociously painful losing streak. Whew. Bad times.

What a difference a year makes, and all that, because here comes Duke, atop the ACC standings with a nifty +4 RW-HL mark, and looking to improve on their winning record as the Beagles ride into Cameron, where they have not won. Could today break that skein? Well, stranger things have happened, like Lindsay Lohan serving her community service with some 100% real, bona fide stiffs, but we sort of doubt it. Still, we’re on alert here, which equates to a semi-catatonic state of awareness, and we hope you’re just as sharp as well. Guest Dukie Al White tightens up and tells us, in his own words, what happened that night, and Matt and duhomme might be located as well, if you insist. No? We see.

So go just a little deeper with this Clemens story, bay-bee, reveal the ancient secret behind Tyrelle Blair and Chas McFarland’s jet-quick hops, don’t be too hard on anyone over the phone and . . . read on:

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Dear Readers:

We are sorry that we didn't post anything today. Really. I take full responsibility! I take . . . full . . . [dramatic passout]

(If anyone gets that reference, I'm impressed. And no, I wasn't making fun of Roy's vertigo; not funny and I hope he's okay. Only Tool and Twerp fans do things like that - - remember when K sort of fainted and both adorable little fanbases were all over him for it like he'd done something wrong? So cute!!)

In any event, we were all, well, you know, celebrating and stuff after (1) putting together a 13-contributor edition - - oh, wait, that was just me who did that, heh, just kidding, 12 other folks, but seriously, that was an editing task for an army, anyway I'll shut up - - and more importantly by degrees (2) THE RESULT OF THAT GAME. I mean, was that just like sort of frigging . . . easy? Dude. I had more stress during the game at Cameron against Clemson.

Thanks more than I can say to everyone who participated in our collective preview. You all rule! More on that tomorrow.

The actual ESPN.com Headlines after the game were pretty impressive! For those of you who didn't check The Connecticutwide Leader out, they included:

TAR HEELS BLOWN SOUNDLY OUT OF OWN BASEMENT

FAMILY, FRIENDS: SHILAS "ABSOLUTELY DOMINANT," UNDER ROUND-THE-CLOCK WATCH FOR OWN PROTECTION

DUKE BEATS UNC-CH, RECORDED AS LOSS BY ACC HEADQUARTERS DUE TO LACK OF LAWSON

DYKES: LAWSON WORTH EXACTLY 90 POINTS

QT: "LAST TIME I PLAYED 35 MINUTES, IT TOOK ME 16 GAMES"

ELLINGTON OPENS PHILADELPHIA-BASED CONSTRUCTION MATERIALS FACTORY; INITIAL SUPPLIES ON HAND WELL-STOCKED DESPITE HEAVY RECENT PROJECT

PAPA HANDJOB: I'M SMILING BECAUSE WE'RE JUMPING EARLY FROM THIS SECOND-CLASS PROGRAM

LOCAL IRONWORKERS' UNION RUSHES ALL AVAILABLE HANDS TO DUMP DOME FOR EMERGENCY REPAIR JOB

WILLIAMS SUPPORTS MOVING THREE-POINT ARC TO 15 FEET, SOURCES SAY

MASSIVE 15-501 TRAFFIC JAM AT TWO-MINUTE MARK ATTRIBUTABLE TO UNSPECIFIED HIGHWAY WORK, ORANGE COUNTY SHERIFF CLAIMS

REPORTS: TOOL RADIO NETWORK SHILLS UNACCOUNTED FOR FOLLOWING DEANDOME SHELLING

KRZYZEWSKI: "I REALLY ENJOYED MY ONE TRIP FOR THE YEAR, THANKS"

SEVEN OF TEN = 70%

6-8 DUKE SIGNEE LANCE THOMAS HAS IMPRESSIVE COLLEGIATE DEBUT

PAULUS GOES "ONE ON ONE" WITH STACEY DALES IN POSTGAME INTERVIEW, ALLEGES JEALOUS FOX SPORTS

CALGOON BEATS SYREXCUSE; OTHER GAMES ALSO PLAYED

NATE JAMES IMMEDIATELY AWARDED MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR LIFETIME CONTRACT, SAY DUKE SOURCES

TAR HEELS DROP TWO GAMES BEHIND IN STANDINGS, "TAKE PROMPT REMEDIAL ACTION," SWOFFORD ORDERS REFEREES

Anyway, those were just a few.

Blue has much more, so let's make that jump together:

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We have quite an event on tap for you here at Dukies.com today, on what we’ll call “Wild Wednesday.” Hey, I think I hear my phone ringing. It’s Bristol! They want me to write copy for them and make up goofy names for unconnected series of college basketball contests. Oh, the pride! I’ve made the big time, bay-bee! HAHAHAHAHAH. And it was all brought to you during 2000 Flushes A Bathroom Visit to Remember Week. Awesome.

In all, or at least three-quarter seriousness, no fewer than eleven Guest Dukies (now that Al White has shaken off the Vytorin haze and delivered), including dedicated recapper Bluedevilyn, non-actor and jivetalking expert witness Al White, contemplative oracle TRT, exacting sommelier The Naked Vine, veteran contributors CDG and Catonia, British pop musician Dave Clark, tiny Latino antagonist El Guapito, and newcomers Spoils, Boomer, and DukieAmir join Matt and duhomme in breaking down the Blue Devils’ sojourn into the hallowed halls of Artificial Noise Arena on Wednesday night. Curious about the other four Atlantic Coast Conference games? We didn’t think so, but Matt and Blue nonetheless have previewed those for you too. There might even be a few strained grins to be had. Stranger things have happened. Right?

So gently ask Fred Thompson if he’s feeling okay after that big post-nap meal, inform all athletic boosters that John Chaney is no longer accepting deliveries at this location, hope that it’s cool with everyone if Gerald Henderson gets to hang around for the end of this one after passing the point of no return for another encounter with this frigging guy and . . . read on:

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Oh, hello! Didn’t see you there. There are so few of you. Nothing happening here . . . just splittin’ the old editions, you know, in case anything exciting comes up for Wednesday and all that. Seriously, though; if we missed telling you about who can thug it up more between VPI @ NCSU, you’d - - well, you’d barely notice or care, right? Yeah. Guess that about sums it up. But we are nothing if not holistic in our approach, as you may have noticed. Speaking of holistic, Guest Dukie and recapper extraordinaire Bluedevilyn joins Matt and duhomme in the Britney Spears Memorial Psych Ward to run down every single one of Tuesday’s sole ACC game. Enjoy!

So flee the field with your Manboobs a-bouncin’, flee the hardwood with your game face on, nod your head to admit that you couldn’t agree more and . . . read on:

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Blue checks in with her thoughts on THE BIG GAME. No, not that one, you silly liability coward! The HurryClowns and the Blue Devils. One team played some basketball. The other played football. The former won! Cool. Here's Blue, and not a moment too soon, after el jumpe . . . .

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Happy Groundhog Day! And just like Bill Murray, back at it again, are we? Well, I'm not sure if there are any other sporting events on tap this weekend, but here at Dukies.com, we have the entire, six-to-twenty-two-game stretch of Aye-Cee-Cee action covered for you. Can Duke defeat the Crime Scene Investigators? Can UNC-CH successfully swarm into and out of what may be a bit of a subdued, distracted, and/or absent Sunday "crowd" in TeeHee?

We'll see. In the meantime, duhomme's legal representative holds a press conference, the Nutcracker pleads his case, and Matt tries to rip into . . . Kansas State? Oh, sure, why not.

So get the lead out with a little Pacific Coast gymnastics action, watch out for your own - - well, you know, dodge all legal action by referring to this as "The Big Game" and . . . read on:

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Blue checks in with a recap of last night's NCSU @ Duke action. Okay, do *not* repeat this, but . . . is it just us, or are UMCP and UNC-CH now the cleanest teams, in terms of on-court play, in the ACC other than Duke? And when did every other program, including now apparently NCSU, become a card-carrying thug party? We're not sure, but Blue was thinking the same thing and has some far deeper insights. Enjoy, after the jump.

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Hey! Hi, everybody! Well, as you may not know if you’ve been redirected to this address from (a) that porn site that plays off of people too stupid to recognize what is and isn’t the real White House (you know - - that mansion in Washington!) website, which may or may not include many of the people actually “working” in the White House; (b) a factually inaccurate article on Wikipedia; or (c) the homepage of world-famous booster club Federal Felons for Seth, we pick the results of ACC basketball games here. And we alllllllllways get them WRONG! [/Mike Patrick] Oh, the hilarity!

Yes, it was a rough weekend in the Dukies.com Command Center, where duhomme, Al White, and the Devil in the Dark (don’t ask me what I have on that little son of a succubus - - but trust me, it’s good) fought off teeming stacks of peals of laughter masquerading as faux-congratulatory faxes and e-mail messages, including missives entitled “Please Tell Us Who You DON’T Like in the Super Bowl,” “Not Exactly Art Schlichter Over There, Are Ya?”, “Fran Fraschilla Is Pointing to His Balls Right Now,” and other ones we can’t repeat. Well, we can, but they’re just so scatological. Meanwhile, I sat huddled grimly in the captain’s chair as Official Syracuse Guy and a few old Starfleet pals opened hailing frequencies at halftime of Duke’s game against Sweaty’s Squadron to serenade the complete lack of anything even approaching the concept of foresight featured in last weekend’s 1-4 edition. Everything was made much better when the Duke bus arrived in Industrial Park at some point during intermission, and then you know how that all turned out.

The question just hangs there like Amy Winehouse in front of a steam pipe. (TIM BRANDO: That’s not STEAM, pardner!!!!! Waaaaaaaahahahaha - - [explodes]) Why would you come back here and listen to a word we say? Geez. That *is* a tough one. Well . . . it’s free? There could be a weak half-smile to be had in the bargain? Best I could do to answer that without sufficient time to prepare - - just like Fred Thompson.

Anyway . . . [whisper] we’re sorry. Okay? Thanks. Look, we’re fully reloaded for the week’s Galactic Coast Conference action, and . . . what ho? (No, no no - - no more speculation about Britney’s mental state. It’s just an expression.) It’s Guest Dukie The Naked Vine, who takes a break from his blog and vacationing in the comment section to step up to the small time with Matt & duhomme and offer some special prognostications of his own. Sounds pretty exciting, in a tame kind of way. Plus - - a blog!! That’s so cute! Who would squander one’s time on such an endeavor??

PLEASE NOTE: The Duke game preview is now included! Enjoy! Try!

So dimly remember that while incorrectly picking everything related to basketball, someone did just say something about - - oh, great - - a decaying space program, repeat after us as we say, “a Taliban *what*?”, feel like a bit of the boob as you nevertheless strike a blow for equality and . . . read on:

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INDUSTRIAL PARK, Md. (Sweuters)

Sweaty just sat in his office after the game, looking rumpled and forlorn, and of course soaked. "This was it for us," he said. "Our season is done."

You can understand Sweaty's concern. Just a week after beating the nation's best overrated team, the Twerps were looking to capitalize on a nice week off and polish off Duke in their Personal Super Bowl, as they had done five out of the last seven times the two teams played.

However, Duke took a nine-point halftime deficit and turned it into a nine-point win, which must mean that the Blue Devils outscored the Beads by 18 in the second half, a figure that UMCP freshman forward Cliff Tucker could neither confirm nor deny.

"I can't stand math," said Tucker. "Ask somebody else." Unfortunately, by that time everyone except the Scaryland players had left the cavernous, silent Bombast Center, and most of the homophobes and other hosers in the stands were already halfway home thanks to that jump on the traffic, so . . . well, we'll wait for the box score.

"Our season is over," lamented Sweaty again, sitting in yet another ruined suit above an accumulating puddle and thinking of the succulent chicken wings of Dewey Beach far away. "My players hate me and I can't scream at John Neal, or, f#$%&*%@ it, Dave Neal, that is, any more, because I have to use him in games."

Sweaty wasn't the only Twerp feeling the pain of the end of Garyland's season. "Hey, I just want to say to the people back in Vene'huela that I don't know, man, maybe I'll be back next year if I don't go League," intoned Rhodes scholar Grievous Asskizz, the 6-6 sophodork who did fine until Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski ordered a halt to the Droplets' first-half layup drill, and coached the Twerps' head perspirant out of his sweatpants in the second half. Azzjizz was seldom heard from after that, other than causing massive damage to the Bombast Center backboards with two late attempts to improve his stat line. Repair costs could be in the tens of thousands, officials said on condition of anonymity.

"It's all over," said Sweaty, his whiny voice reverberating through the catacombs of that huge, empty building that Maryland taxpayers were forced to pay for. As the mausoleum's special sweat drainage system hummed to life in order to prevent Williams from drowning, the siren song of fey gatherings at Dewey Beach indeed seemed as distant and elusive as an NCAA bid.

Les Jones was busy studying the NCAA basketball officiating manual for the first time and could not be reached for comment.

(But you can feel free to comment below.)

Whoa, is it time for this stuff again already? (Answer: never!) Cool! I mean, if you like this sort of thing. Never mind; strike that. Look, Duke went down to Blacksburg and helped rid Cassell Coliseum of the foul odor of Fel-on Washington, and now they find themselves ticketed to play an even more odious set of opponents in a much more despicable venue. That can only mean one thing - - sounds like it’s time for the annual trip to gorgeous Industrial Park. The Dewey Beach chicken wings are on us! Electric cattle prod to the johnson with your Levitra, Senor Sweaty?

Site Friend TRT, a staunch e-mail correspondent (trust me - - his e-mails lead the league in their staunch) and soi-disant Dukies.com fact-checker - - assuming that there are facts around here to check - - joins Matt and duhomme for his first-ever run at being a Guest Dukie. When you read his material, I think you’ll agree that basically, everyone can and should have their own website just like this one. Only better, and funnier. It’s not rocket science, which is good, because if it were, we’d have no viable space program other than the Hubble Telescope and some random missions, mostly for show, flown on aging orbiters, and . . . hey, let’s talk some basketball here. Well, duhomme and TRT managed to do so, at least. Shhh - - there are also four other games this weekend. I’m in awe.

So soothe yourself over that regulatory slapdown with some pie, and your uncle Sy, let the proper authorities know what you think of the state of the airline industry, be glad that the nation’s airwaves are in smooth, firm, capable hands and . . . read on:

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Iceman returneth with his thoughts on Duke's beatdown of Virginia Tech last night. Hey, is it too much to ask that VPI get rid of the disgusting Seth Greenberg and get a coach who doesn't show profound disrespect to, well, just about everyone by deliberately engineering a Thugball game . . . in which people can get hurt? By the way, Elmore just filed his entry of appearance as counsel for Washington, who should have been detained as a material witness following last night's football and wrestling action from Blacksburg. (Just kidding, but *really*.) Ryan Reid will be an expert witness.

Iceman starts now:

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Bluedevilyn shares her thoughts on that vicious Tiger attack. No, not that one; the one featuring at least two large guys who collect errant bouncy balls. (That didn't come out right.)

Ah, but it all turned out right in the end on what was a pretty terrific Saturday. Bravo to those in attendance, too - - Cameron was as loud as it's been in a while, other than Tool games. And speaking of those events, who was sadder from the stands at the O'Connell Center - - Hubert or Bilas? Here's Blue after the jump.

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