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Dumb Ads, Partie Deux

Date: 5/22/2009

Random Articles  
Posted By: duhomme

By the way, the headline for each item is a link to the ad in question. It will probably be easier if you right-click and then select “Open in a New Tab.” Assuming, of course, you want quick access to the images I have analyzed down to the very pixel.

Ummmmm, pizza served by the undead, ahhgggggg.

Not really much to say here, frankly. Papa John’s has recognized that in a nation too lazy to cook for ourselves, too lazy to go out and pick up food and too lazy to serve ourselves, there is a natural market for pizza slices that leap out of the pan and straight into our mouths. No word on the progress of their planned wireless network of butter dipping sauce.

My Agent Didn’t Tell Me This Was Required.

Check out her “left” foot. The one on the ground. Look for the big toe. See how it is one the wrong side of her foot. Then do the same for the “right” foot. If you are not convinced, follow the curve of her “left” leg and see how it clearly matches the corresponding hip. Then, just for fun, ask yourself if you have ever seen anyone who’s torso, neck and head made up only one quarter of their total height. Then, call Agent Dunham in the Fringe Unit and ask her what Dr. Walter Bishop knows about how this happened.  

Honey, did you remember to get the Crock Pot serviced when you were in Mos Eisley?

Like many of you, I struggle with counter space in the kitchen, especially appliances that eat up valuable real estate that can better be used for phones, message pads, mail or, maybe, preparing food. I have some shelves that I use to keep the infrequently used devices that are relatively easy to move in and out, such as the ice cream makers, deep fryer and bread maker. (I actually only use the last one for making pizza dough and jam. Bread made by hand is much, much better, while the effort that goes into hand-made pizza dough is a waste. And, if you have one of these, here’s a nifty hint: follow the jam recipe but leave out the pectin, and you have yourself an awesome ice cream topping. Strawberries, peaches, mangos, they all work.)

Ha, ha! You thought with this leaner, meaning off-season format there wouldn’t be any of those annoying space-filling digressions. Wrong! Filler is here to stay.

Anyway, some appliances aren’t mobile enough to be carted around as their needs increase or decrease. Especially the stand mixer, which is a load and is both bottom- and top-heavy. I don’t care if I don’t use that bad boy for six months or more, it owns the approximate 1.5 square feet of counter space it takes up. A slowcooker is another matter, and falls in between the previous two categories. It doesn’t get a lot of use, but it is a bit clunky for moving around the kitchen. But your worries are now gone as Rival, in partnership with LucasArts, has developed a hovering Crock Pot that skims along kitchen counters, across sinks and into cabinets as your space needs change. Or so that picture would lead us to believe.

Oh, none for me, thanks. I’ve had my quota of bread and water for this month already.

IMDB Summary: A hit man starves his wife in order to turn her into a human throwing knife. Prospective movie viewers, despite the fact that they have seen Angelina Jolie’s curvy figure in numerous films, are shown a poster that has been altered to make her appear to weight no more than 60 pounds. Additionally, when shooting the poster, designers decided on affixing a decal of a sidearm to Ms. Jolie’s leg in place of a prop.

Trivia: A website purported to be about Duke Basketball has something to fill time during the summer. 

“Major Tom to Ground Control, I’m stepping through the door …”

And into a black hole, if the perspective on this phone is to be believed.

Oh, how sweet! You remembered our anniversary with vampire flowers!

The vase casts a shadow, but the flowers do not. Should you run away in fear, or find it convenient that this particular arrangement is for a Silver Anniversary, exactly the material you need to take down your sworn enemy, the Werewolves?

Computer in Heaven

I guess there’s no real big deal here. I’m just tired that all manufacturers of electronics feel we would be turned off if their products were seen on desks or tables, rather than floating in the ether.

So, Doctor, what was the belt sander for?

Put aside the notion of a woman having her makeup and nail polish applied by a custom car paint shop. Go look at your own face in a mirror. Back yet? Beneath your lower lip, isn’t there some curvature between it and your chin? Isn’t there a kind of groove between your upper lip and your nose? Don’t you have some kind of shape indicating cheekbones? Or are you also a member of this new two-dimensional species attempting to take over the Earth

Possibly the most horrific toy ever.

Okay. There’s nothing technically wrong with this photograph. It looks like any alterations have been skillfully done. The problem is that this fun item involves having children slip across a water slide and into the waiting jaws of a shark. Not a silly, cartoony, one, but a scary, maniacal one with fake jagged teeth. And here is the real, actual description of the product from the Kmart website:

“Grab your 3-D aqua goggles and get ready for a thrilling ride! First, hurtle your way down the water slide. As you rapidly approach the shark, its special 3-D graphics will make you believe you're flying toward the waiting jaws of the hungry Great White. You won't believe your eyes! Finally, break through and escape the shark's grasp with a giant splash landing. It's a terrifying journey you'll want to experience over and over again! Ages 5-12.”

The bold emphasis was mine, and not nearly enough. Let’s see that again: “It's a terrifying journey you'll want to experience over and over again!”

Absolutely! Most, if not all, small children will develop healthily by being exposed to a terrifying event repeatedly. Especially one that involves being eaten alive. This thing is actually called the “Shark Bite Slide.” How fun! You know, I’ve written a bit of marketing in my time, and think I can improve on this. Here’s my take:

“Parents! Here’s your chance to start years of memories of what it would be like to see your child devoured by the most ferocious predator on Earth! Watch as they fall helplessly toward the Great White’s open maw with its realistic bone-crunching power! For an additional $4.99, get the red dye pack to give the Shark Bite Slide a realistic blood-splattering effect!”

What the hell are these people thinking? Are they preparing such new fun products as:

·         A Moon Bounce with simulated zero atmosphere?

·         The Quick-Sand Sandbox?

·         Rabie, the frothing dog plushie?

·         A new version of the Candy Land board game with a “You Now Have Diabetes” penalty card?

·         Barbie’s Dream House With No Smoke Detectors?

·         Easy-Bake Oven with a Gas Leak?

Ugh. Enough. Anything out there getting on your nerves?


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