TWO DUKIES PICK THE ACC
Volume IX, Number XIX - January 21, 2006
Welcome to this edition of the ninth (we truly wish just as much as you do that we were making that up), yes, ninth, season of Two Dukies Pick the ACC. Rob and Matt invite you to sit back, hear your cute little secrets ruined by your garrulous companion, spend way too much time on the can, and see if there's anything to keep you off the can for a few moments, below.
The TWO DUKIES name and material are, for some ridiculous reason, affiliated with http://www.dukies.com, and for even more ludicrous motivations, copyright 2006 Rigel Enterprises, Ltd. All rights reserved, and even though you may have had reservations yourself, we'd like to seat you anyway.
Matt's comments in blue.
Rob Mac K's comments in green.
CLEMSON (13-5, 2-3) @ GEORGIA TECH (9-6, 2-2)
SHULMAN: Great to have you with us here at Bobby Cremins, We Fired Your Ass! Court in Atlanta. I'm bloodless technocrat Dan Shulman, and the man currently hanging all over me and massaging my breasts certainly needs no introduction.
VITALE: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'M SO EXCITED, RECE DAVIS, BACK IN THE STUDIO IN BRISTOL, AND HEY!!!! FREEZE IT!!! HOW DOES PAUL HEWITT HAVE THIS TECH TEAM AT 2-2???? HE CAN COVER UP MORE TROUBLE SPOTS THAN DAVE BLISS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH. BUT SERIOUSLY, DAN, YOU KNOW I GOTTA BELIEVE, AS YOU TALK ABOUT THE SHI'ITES AND THE SUNNIS, AND CERTAINLY THE REMNANTS OF THE BA'ATH PARTY, IN IRAQ, THAT OLIVER PURNELL IS AT A CROSSROADS!! IS CLEMSON GOING TO BE A MEDIOCRE TEAM, OR JUST SIMPLY AN AVERAGE ONE!!! OHHHHHHHHHH, I'M EXCITED, PARDNER!! THERE HASN'T BEEN THIS MUCH EXCITEMENT ABOUT ANYTHING QUITE SO EXCITING AND WORTHY OF EXCITEMENT IN ATLANTA SINCE RAY LEWIS FOUND A WAY TO CUT HIS WAY THROUGH THE LINE AT THE COBALT CLUB!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
SHULMAN: And an interesting beginning to this one, as Theodis Tarver just had his academic eligibility revoked on the court by Karl Hess.
VITALE: YOU KNOW, BRENT, PEOPLE STOP ME ON THE STREET AND SAY, HEY, DOOKIE V!! HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKIN ABOUT THE DUKIES?? AND I SAY, WHAT, YOU MEAN THOSE TWO GUYS WHO WERE #21 ON MY LIST OF THE TOP TEN LAMEST WEBSITES IN A-MERICA?? HAHAHAHAHAH. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO LUCKY, DAN!! I'M SIXTY-THREE YEARS OLD AND I GET TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING, AND GET PAID THIRTY TIMES WHAT YOU DO! HAHAHAHAHAH. OHHHHHHH, IT IS STEALING MONEY, MAN. HAHAHAHAH.
SHULMAN: And a faculty committee on the Tech bench has restored Tarver's eligibility, and now Reggie Greenwood is explaining the situation to Oliver Purnell, while Jeremis Smith appears to be mashing Sam Perry's head into the hardwood repeatedly, right in front of Duke Edsall, no call.
VITALE: HEY, IS IT A TRAVESTY?? IS IT A TRANSGRESSION? IS IT AN ABSOLUTE *JOKE* THAT WAKE FAHREST HAS NOT NAMED ITS COURT FOR BOB STAAK? I'M CALLING ON THE GOOD PEOPLE AT WAKE TO DO THE RIGHT THING, MIKE, AND FIX THIS GREAT WRONG BEFORE ANY MORE INNOCENTS SUFFER! HAHAHAHAHAH.
SHULMAN: Nice monster dunk by Cliff Hammonds, although he might have been knifed in the back by Ra'sean Dickey on the play, as he has come up with a gaping wound that constitutes uniform saturation and will require him to go to the sidelines.
VITALE: WAS THAT AMAZING?? WAS THAT UNBELIEVABLE? AND YOU CAN SEE IT ALL IN 360 ON MY WEBSITE, DAN, WHERE I WROTE YESTERDAY THAT ADAM MORRISON HAS THE BEST JUMPER AND THE WORST PORN STACHE IN AMERICA! HEY, HE CAN HANDLE HIMSELF BETTER THAN JOHN HOLMES!!! HAHAHAHAHAH.
SHULMAN: And indeed, Morrison is ripping it up for the Zags, while Paul Hewitt has grabbed a street sweeper from a weapons locker on the sidelines and is threatening to use it against Vernon Hamilton if he looks at him funny.
VITALE: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHHHHHHHHH!! DIPSY DOO, DUNKAROO!!! I THINK I JUST RUINED MY DIAPER DANDY ON THAT PLAY! HAHAHAHAH.
Georgia Tech 40, Clemson 38.
What a way to kick off the weekend - with two clubs who both got completely destroyed the last time they took the floor.
This one of of those games that someone has to win - and given that it's at the Auditorium Formerly Known As The McDonald's Dome (what the heck happened to the giant "golden arches" that used to adorn what's now bizarrely known as "Bobby Cremins Court"?), one would expect it to be the Bugs.
Georgia Tech 55, Clemson 48.
#1 DUKE (17-0, 5-0) @ GEORGETOWN (11-4, 3-2 Big East)
PATRICK: And welcome to the nation's CAPITAL, where the MURDER RATE just keeps skyrocketing!! And if I ever want to be murdered, what a BEAUTIFUL location for someone to do it! We're at the MCI Center, and of course, if there's a better telecommunications provider than MCI, I've never heard of them, and Len Elmore, you've got to agree that the Duke Blue Devils are playing some pretty good basketball.
ELMORE: Well, I think that's right, Mike, and that's why I've created the Elmore Index. As you can see here, you add each player's points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks, subtract four points for each three-pointer made, and add five points for every dunk, while also adding fifteen points for every time you get stuffed by a much bigger guy on the way to the basket. That means that Duke's best player is Lee Melchionni, but what it also means is that as a former big man, I've managed to devise a system that properly rewards big guys for being big while penalizing guys who are smaller.
PATRICK: Thank you, Len, and we're underwa-ay here at the MCI Center - - and you have to wonder if there is ever going to be a company as well-managed as MCI Worldcom ever again - - and here's Roy Hibbert, all eight feet of him, just grabbing and throwing Sean Dockery to the ground on a drive to the basket. Steve GOR-don on the call.
ELMORE: I'm not so sure what the official saw on that play, as Hibbert seemed to be taking care of the lane in legitimate fashion.
PATRICK: And it looks like Dockery will be okay as he comes out of the fifth row of the seats. And while we've got a moment, I think it's high time that SOMEONE congratulated Pierre L'Enfant on his BRILLIANT street plan for this WONDERFUL city. I don't know how he thought of the idea of a straight grid of numbered and lettered streets, but color ME impressed. And Len, you were a pretty good urban designer in your day.
ELMORE: Well, if I can just get the guys in the truck to cue up Len's False Modesty Theme, Mike, I'd have to agree that my proposed layout for Yuba City was pretty good, but of course, they didn't track stats like design feasibility back then.
PATRICK: And it's Paulus with a rim-rattling dunk, and check it! That was Boykin on the conversion.
ELMORE: Yeah, Mike, Boykin kind of took the extra step there, and then says, well, if the official isn't going to call it, I might as well lay it in, and it looked to me like he might have hung on the rim there and even grabbed a flute from the band and played it during continuing action, but no technical was called.
PATRICK: And, Len, how many times have you seen a guy manage to land with both feet squarely on the ground like Boykin did on that play? Truly amazing.
Duke 89, Georgetown 79.
Well, I was all set to write this one up as a guaranteed W versus another Big Least cupcake, but then looking at the Hoyas' schedule, I find some cause for concern.
By the way, it took me like an hour to scroll down to find Georgetown in the list of teams in the Big East. Apparently they now have more teams than the NHL. Even more than the ACC, as difficult as *that* is to believe.
The Hoyas come into this one after gutting out a home win versus the mighty BasketBulls of the University of South Florida (shout-out), a 50-47 victory that broke a two-game losing streak that featured a pair of 7-point road losses to West Virginia and the UCon-men. They've also posted respectable losses to Illinois and Vanderbilt. They have played one common opponent with the Blue Devils, St. John's. The Hoyas defeated the Redmen (yeah, I know, whatever) by 14 in New York, while Duke beat them by 13 in Durham. All of which tells me that Duke could well be in for a game this time around, unlike most of their other meetings in this series of late.
Duke will be looking to - remarkably - set a new record for the best start in school history, as they matched the '92 national champions by going to 17-0 with the win over NC State. The only real concern I have with this game is the potential for a letdown. This is, really, a meaningless game, and after four grueling ACC contests in a row, some letup would be understandable. Unfortunately, if Duke doesn't come to play, Georgetown appears to be perfectly capable of making them pay.
That said, Coach K didn't get to be the best in the business by not having a complete understanding of the psychlogical side of the game, and presumably he's even more aware of the preceding rundown than even this humble scribe. I'd never bet against him to have some way up his sleeve to have his team come out completely ready to play on any given night. And if Duke plays the way they've been playing of late, they should win.
Duke 88, Georgetown 81.
WAKE FOREST (12-5, 1-3) @ #14 NORTH CAROLINA STATE (14-3, 3-2)
MCDONOUGH: Welcome to Raleigh; let's discuss the 2,000 Flushes Keys to the Game with Jay Bilas.
BILAS: Sean, there are several keys to this contest. First, why is this building named the RBC Center? What does RBC stand for, and what do they want? How can I shill for them, if it pleases them for me to do so? And why does America hate Duke?
MCDONOUGH: Thank you, Jay, and we're underway as North Carolina State mounts an interesting dramatic zone look, with one chaser while the other four guys begin building some kind of structure directly beneath the basket.
RAFTERY: And, Sean McDonough, North Carolina State goes MANTOMAN!
BILAS: On that last play, Cedric Simmons completed a nice follow-through move to put it in. Simmons, of course, abused Shelden Williams and really exposed him as a weak defender on Wednesday night.
RAFTERY: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, and the kissssssssssssssss!! Some lingering lingerie there, Sean, with the puppies on the floor!
MCDONOUGH: Here's a technical foul on Trent Strickland, who's been revealed ths season as simply a piece of shit, much to the delight of Skip Prosser.
RAFTERY: Go to TOWN, big fella!!! Ba de ya - - say do you remember? Ba de ya - - dancing in September? Ba de ya - - never was a cloudy day!
BILAS: Great shot of the RBC logo there as Strickland just kind of muscles Engin Atsur to the ground in a move reminiscent of the last time I twirled my mustache when Duke lost a game.
RAFTERY: [cooing sounds]
North Carolina State 74, Wake Forest 69.
If State hopes to be the second-best team in the ACC (right now Miami is all alone in the runner-up spots, with just one conference loss), they'll have to protect their home court against resurgent Wake Forest, who gave Maryland a scare in the Cable Box last week before finally breaking a three-game losing streak with a resounding victory over the BugThugs. NCSU is also playing well, staying with top-ranked Duke for 34 minutes in Cameron before getting completely shut down during Winning Time.
This could be one of the better games of the weekend, but look for State to successfully defend their home court in the Pork Palace.
North Carolina State 72, Wake Forest 68.
#21 BOSTON COLLEGE (13-4, 1-3) @ MIAMI (FL) (11-6, 3-1)
I was going to provide an advance transcript of Billy Packer doing this game with Brent Musburger or something, but then I realized that no one could possibly believe that two announcers from rival networks would work together, not to mention a much greater stretch - - that any network would actually broadcast this horrid matchup.
Miami (FL) 78, Boston College 75.
What the hell? I thought we were supposed to be picking ACC games only. Why is this Big East matchup in here?
Miami has gotten hot once they got everyone back and healthy, and BC has been playing horrible defense - ACC teams are shooting well over 50% against them, and they aren't taking care of the defensive glass and they aren't forcing a lot of turnovers. Look for the 'Canes to light them up in this one.
Miami (FL) 88, Boston College 76.
VIRGINIA TECH (10-7, 0-4) @ #22 MARYLAND, COLLEGE PARK (12-4, 2-2)
BRANDO (false baritone): And WELCOME to the Comcast Center on the campus of the University of Maryland. As if you didn't know, I'm Tim Brando, alongside my combover and Dan Bonner, and Dan, you'd have to think that Virginia Tech and Seth Greenberg will have to give 110% if they want to get over the hump here just outside the Beltway.
BONER: Awwwww haw haw haw haw haw haw!!
BRANDO: Well said, pardner, and now let's go to Mike Goldberg, thevetLarryConley and thecoachPerryClark in the Fox Sports Studios in East Jepip, Pennsylvania for an update.
BRANDO: And apparently we're having some completely unexpected, out-of-character technical difficulties, and while we were away, there's Chris McCray just nailing a fifty-foot shot with three guys in his face, and he's fouled on the play! No replay is available.
BONER: Awwwwwwwwww haw haw haw haw!!
BRANDO: And the Vegas odds UNKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND here in College Park as it appears that Virginia Tech is staying well within the spread, mostly due to points off turnovers.
[graphic on screen:]
Virginia Tech 16
Virginia Tech 2
BRANDO: And we're joined now by special guest analyst Kenny Smith, and Kenny - -
SMITH: We gonna win! We gonna win!
BRANDO: Kenny, of course, a graduate of neither of these schools, nor of any other school, for that matter, and THE BANK IS OPEN ON SATURDAY as Sterling Ledbetter caroms one home. NOW, DID HE CALL THAT?? Guffaw guffaw!!
Maryland, College Park 82, Virginia Tech 68.
Alas, poor Seth. 0-4 in the ACC, including a home court loss to lowly cross-state archrival Virginia. Looks like this whole ACC thing is a little more difficult the second time around.
Who knows what's wrong with Tech, except it appears that when Sean Dockery tossed in that 40-foot buzzer beater to give Duke a miraculous win over the Chokies, he also drove a stake through Tech's heart. (Or to keep with the turkey motif, perhaps I should say he chopped their collective head off.) Much like Maryland did in 2001 after they blew the "Gone in 54 Seconds" game, the Gobblers have gone into a death spiral that threatens to doom their entire season. While the Terps were able to eventually right the ship and made it to the Final Four (only to choke again against Duke, blowing the biggest lead in FF history), at 10-7 and 0-4 in the ACC, VT appears to be a good shot to be on the outside looking in when *NIT* berths are being announced.
Maryland broke a two-game losing streak with a 4-point win over Wake in CP. Looking at their season so far, I think that rumors of their demise have been somewhat exaggerated. Unlike most of the other schools in the ACC, they don't have a single "bad" loss yet - having dropped decisions to top-10 teams Duke and Gonzaga, top-25 George Washington, and red-hot Miami on the road. Sure, they looked awful in getting pummeled by Duke, but that was a disaster somewhat of their own making. If you poke a giant too often, you can't be too surprised when he finally turns around and stomps on you with his hob-nailed boots.
One figures that sooner or later VT will make at least an attempt at getting their act together, and it could be here against Sweaty and the Droplets. But my guess is that it's going to continue to be a season of discontent in Blacksburg for at least a while longer.
Maryland, College Park 75, Virginia Tech 66.
#24 NORTH CAROLINA-CHAPEL HILL (10-4, 2-2) @ FLORIDA STATE (11-3, 2-2)
PATRICK: And, hey, it's great to be back with you in what may be the GREATEST indoor arena in the history of the Gulf Coast of Florida, the Tallahassee-Leon County Civic Center. And tonight, the SCORCHING young North Carolina Tar Heels will try to snap a two-game losing streak going up against the Seminoles of Florida State, a team that has to be one of the best additions ever to a Division I conference in basketball.
THEISMANN: Now, this is an interesting game for Florida State, Mike! They are going to try to put more points on the scoreboard than the Tar Heels, and whether that strategy works or not should determine who wins this game!
MAGUIRE: You know, you talk about dumb! That's gotta be the stupidest thing I've heard since you changed the pronunciation of your name in 1970 and still lost the trophy to Jim Plunkett.
PATRICK: And we're underwa-ay! And Todd GALL-oway is bottled up on the sidelines by three Tar Heels, and WHAT AN AMAZING PRESENCE OF MIND BY THAT YOUNG MAN as he calls TIMEOUT to avoid an early turnover.
THEISMANN: That was outstanding, Mike, and shows why Galloway is one of the top guards in the history of this program.
MAGUIRE: Joe, I'm gonna show you something here as you watch this replay. You wanna talk toughness? How about integrity! Watch his feet!
PATRICK: So the Seminoles will keep it, and let me just take a moment to thank everyone at the La Quinta for putting us up last night. That danish I had for breakfast was AAB-SO-LUTLEY incredible!! And have you ever seen a more beautiful view of downtown out a hotel window than Tallahassee at dusk? Not to mention the fact that my pillow was nice and fluffy, just like I like it! Wow.
THEISMANN: It always amazes me, Mike, that there are people out there who will, for money, give you a roof over your head in a strange location. Just fantastic. I even caught a replay of "The Hind-Lick Maneuver" on Skinemax! How about you, Paul?
MAGUIRE: I watched a DVD I always travel with called "Most Awesome Monday Night Football Injures Suffered in Games Between the Giants and the Redskins." I had to watch one play again and again in particular.
PATRICK: And look at that uncontested layup by Al Thornton!! Has there ever been a guy you want on your team more than that guy to convert a COMPLETELY unguarded BUCKET after the other team just kinda throws it awa-ay?
North Carolina-Chapel Hill 68, Florida State 67.
Your guess is as good as mine in this one. How are you supposed to pick a game involving a team that can go from beating a good State team to losing to a woeful Virginia squad? And what about Florida State, who's 2-2 in the league - but that record comes against the four teams currently occupying the last four places in the league standings, with a collective ACC record of 4-13?
The real question here is whether or not the FSU guys come out to play against the UNC uniforms or the guys currently wearing them. If it's the former, then UNC-CH will probably win, if it's the latter, then I like the Noles to win in the TLCCCCCC. It will be interesting to see if FSU adopts UVa's successful strategy of collapsing on Tyler Hansbrough and forcing the rest of the Holes to beat them. It could well be that Coach Dave in Charlotteville has produced the definitive guide to beating UNC this season.
It could just be old-timer in me talking, but when in doubt, bet on the team playing Carolina to find some way to choke.
North Carolina-Chapel Hill 64, Florida State 61.
Last Edition: Rob 4-1 (0.800) Matt 4-1 (0.800) Guest 0-0 (0.000) This Season: Rob 29-10 (0.744) Matt 28-11 (0.718) Guests 7-5 (0.583) TD in Guest Editions 11-9 (0.550)